6 Questions to Ask Yourself to Help Leave More Respectful Comments

I love writing for you people!  (And by "you people" I am referring directly to everyone within whatever minority group you happen to be a part of.)

Unfortunately, online writers and bloggers such as myself don't always get that same love back.  Some readers feel the need to leave mean, dispiriting, hate-filled comments after the articles we spent so much time writing since we were too hungover to do it as quickly as it should have taken us.

Even on YouTube, video auteurs who have given their very heart and soul to craft magnificent cinematic shorts such as "Kid Gets kicked in the face" are targeted with comments that are, at the very least, mildly inappropriate.

Therefore, I've created this handy guide of six questions you should ask yourself after writing a comment but before posting it to make sure your comment isn't made in haste.  Allowing yourself time to answer these questions will help put you on the path to becoming a far more respectful online commenter — a goal to which I think we all can aspire.

See the list after the jump…  Or just go straight to the comments and leave your hate-spewing diatribe there.

1. Is this something I would actually say to someone before drinking more than four beers?
   Used to be it took a few drinks to lower our inhibitions, but with the advent of Internet anonymity, some people's ballsiness has reached post-quart-of-Jack-Daniel's level.  That commenter cloak of invisibility can be tempting to hide behind, but keep in mind that God is still judging you.  It's the old question: What would you do if you were invisible for a day?  Rob a bank?  Kick your nemesis in the groin?  Hang out in a woman's locker room like your own private version of Porky's IV: Revenge of the Terrible 80s Movie?  The correct answer: Pray that Jesus will give you the strength to use your invisibility for good instead of evil.  Just because you have anonymity doesn't give you the right to be a jerk, in the same way that just because you had 5 beers doesn't give you the right to tell that chick at the bar with a horse-face that's she has a horse-face.  Save that sh*t for your first date.
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2. Is this something that might cause someone with a below-average self-esteem to commit suicide?
   In toxicology, they have something known as the "median lethal dose", also called the LD50.  For drugs, it's the amount of that substance required to kill half of the testing population.  The implications are that after that amount, the majority of those administered the substance will die.  You can bring this same concept to your commenting.  When recognizing the severity of a prospective comment's demoralization to the author, ask yourself, "If I gave this comment to 100 people, how many of them would be so broken inside that they would throw themselves to their deaths.  If the answer is "more than 50," your comments is probably not safe to post.  If, however, you believe less than 50 people would take their lives upon hearing your thoughts, feel free to proceed.  We really could use 49 less p*ssies on planet Earth.
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3. If I said this to someone in person, would they be likely to cut me?
   No one likes being cut.  Well, some teenage girls do.  But they do that to themselves.  They aren't marauding about in the malls looking for other people to slash.  That is, unless you left a nasty comment on their blog.  Then you shouldn't put it past them.  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about the real life repercussions of your actions.  Just because you aren't meeting the people you're commenting about in person, doesn't mean you should approach the situation as if you never could.  Before clicking that post button, imagine this scenario: You're in a dodgy biker bar speaking your comment aloud to the most bad-ass looking dude in the joint.  Would you say it now?  But first, take this into consideration: The biker is overweight from lack of a proper diet and has decreased lung capacity from a lifetime of smoking unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarettes.  Could you outrun him?  If you think you can, then go ahead and leave your comment.  The Internet is really meant for the quick-footed.
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4. How would I feel about myself if this was the last thing I ever said?
   Death can strike us at anytime.  For Internet commenters — obese and sedentary, box of Munchkins always within arm's length — the end is probably closer than they suspect.  Therefore, beyond simply using this question as a way to vet prospective comments, the real-life possibility does exist that every word typed could be your last.  Do you really want the last thing you ever said to be "Meh," or in the case of YouTube commenters, the N-word??  Of course not!  That's why it's a good idea to approach every word you write on the web as if you are inscribing the epitaph on your own online tombstone.  Taking this approach provides the added bonus of bring more meaning to your life and helps bring you closer to Buddhist philosophy.  That way, if you ever meet the Dalai Lama, you'll have something to talk with him about besides that Bill Murray scene from Caddyshack.
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5. What would my mother think about this comment?
   Sure, your mother doesn't know jack squat about the Internet.  The only 4chan she's heard of is television's Wheel of 4chan.  What mom does know about, though, is not hurting other people's feelings.  Remember when your mom told you not to make fun of the poor kid across the street because it wasn't his fault he was born the son of an alcoholic?  If not, now you know why no one ever made fun of you.  Say hi to your alcoholic father for me.  Either way, the advice stands firm.  It's tough to criticize until you've walked a mile in another man's shoes.  Unless that man's shoes are Crocs, in which case you can criticize away.  So, before you post a comment, pretend your mom "accidentally" overheard it while folding the laundry, and before you yell, "Mom, why are you folding the laundry in the hallway outside of my door?!" think: Would you be embarrassed for your mom to hear what you just said to another human being.  If so, let it go..
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6. Is this really worth my time?
   God do you hate this article you found on Savannah, Georgia's local NBC affiliate's supplementary entertainment blog.  But before you slander the hell out of the author who you only know by name (and whose name is Jaime so you can't decide whether to use "he" or "she" in your hate-spewing), ask yourself this: If I take the time to create a user name and password, provide my email address so they can send me a confirmation email, wait a couple minutes to check my email so I can click on a link that will send me back to the website to validate my new account, and then search that website to find the article that upset me so much so I can leave a mean comment, who in this equation is really the "big f***ing idiot"?  Actually, who am I kidding…  You made it all the way to the end of this article.  You must have plenty of free time on your hands.  Go ahead and leave whatever comments you like.  Who am I to tell you what to do?