An Open Letter to This Newspaper

Dear Newspaper,

You are not a computer.  There are a number of ways I can tell you are not a computer.

First, you are made of paper.  I have never seen a computer made of paper.  Some computers are becoming nearly as thin as paper, but their pliability still remains substandard compared to yours.  Newspapers win in the pliability department.  It is one of the few departments you win in.  Unless you are ripped.  Then you also lose, because no one wants a ripped newspaper (or a ripped computer for that matter).  Unfortunately, you are very easy to rip, which may pose a long-term problem.

Second, you cost a dollar.  I've never seen a computer that costs a dollar.  Well, maybe an old computer, but a working computer would never cost only one dollar.  People are willing to pay a lot of money for computers, because — unlike newspapers — computers are valuable to own.  Newspapers, on the other hand, are pretty much worthless.  Well, not worthless.  Worth one dollar.  Except on Sundays, when you are supposedly worth more.

Which brings me to… Third, a computer is never worth more on Sunday.  It is always worth more than a newspaper, but I foresee no reason why a computer's price might increase on a Sunday.

Based on these deductions proving you are not a computer, I am able to point out that I cannot click on you.  I can touch you, but that will only achieve limited results.  Results such as getting a gray blotch of ink on my finger or nothing.  Nothing is a fair result when compared to possible negative results such as, say, death.  When you hold a newspaper, you can be happy that it does not cause death.  This is one of the few results of holding a paper that can be deemed a decent result.

To conclude, Newspaper, please refrain from pretending you are a computer.  I think it is quite obvious to everyone you are not a computer.

Stop being a douche.

Regards,

Mike

[via Reddit]