Slapping kids isn't funny. But the red handprints on the license plate did make me giggle a little.

So take a quick moment to laugh at this license plate…

You good?

Okay, moving on. Go hug a baby or something.

[via Chive]

To create successful reality television, simply follow these steps:

1. Combine premises of other shows (preferably ones involving fat people)
2. Pitch to VH1
3. Roll around in your piles of money

I am going to pitch a show where fat people from Jersey live in a large house on a deserted island with celebrity alcoholics.

Tyra Banks judges their manners while Dr. Drew judges their cooking. The winner of the show (male or female) gets to marry Tila Tequila.

It's going to be called American Idol.

Tune in TONIGHT at 10:30pm/9:30c as Daniel helps the Worst Comedian Ever prepare for the comeback performance of a lifetime.

All things must end.  Oil leaks must get capped.  Twitter users must die.

Today, I officially end my obsession with things riding on top of other things, for I believe it cannot get any greater than this.

Reddit user "natzo" created the image above featuring a tortoise on top of a tortoise on top of another tortoise on top of a final tortoise.  Yes, that is four torti.

Dare a man ever dream to see a fifth tortoise atop that fourth tortoise?  Alas, to do so would be to spit in face of the lord himself, to laugh at logic and reason, to take a dump on common decency.

Today, there is nothing left to be on top of anything else.  Today, we are complete.

[via The Daily What]

Mashable reports that Ivy Bean, the woman who had been recognized as the oldest Twitter user despite being an obvious corporate pawn in a massive publicity stunt, has died.

She is survived by 57,281 followers.

The circumstances surrounding her death are still being investigated, but apparently, at some point she asked her caretaker, "Do you mind if I actually tweet for a change?" to which he responded, "Shut it, you old hag!" and promptly suffocated her with a pillow.

Her final tweet: "saying hello to sweet satan cant wait until you all join me."

…Tara Reid will find you. And she'll make you brush her hair.

[via Gawker]

Featuring some of the latest Twitter and Facebook comments about Tosh.0.

Hayley, I'm happy to see you're not above admitting that your tweets are douchey.

I'm unhappy to see you spelling "douchey" with an "e."  I consider that the more formal British spelling — like adding a "u" to the word "colour."

But if you really think that reading all the tweets about Tosh.0 is funnier than watching the show, you should try writing our daily "What You're Saying About Tosh.0" post.  I typically do a Twitter search for "Tosh.0" to see what comes up, and I can tell you honestly, it is not my favorite part of the day.

Try it for yourself and see what you think!

And let me know if you find anything interesting…

He's wasting his time to see the lions, the pumas, and the bears! He really wanted to make this day good. He was trying to.

But when shit goes down at the zoo you can't bounce back from that. It's going to take at least a trip to McDonald's and a new set of Legos for him to recover.

Freaking gentle animal exhibits! IS THE ZOO EVEN WORTH THE DAMN TRIP ANYMORE?!?

The King of Pop is back!

This time, he's in India performing duets with Shakira's half-sister. He's still got the moves and the lengthy, action-packed music videos. But he's also got guns, sunglasses, and a mate for his glove.

He's more badass than ever!

I just hope the new Neverland Ranch has a curry fountain. I would so travel to South Asia for that.

[via TBT]

I hate going to the bank…  The lines, the tellers, the fact that I am broke.

So I'm happy to see that earlier this month Chase Bank [not my bank] began offering an iPhone app [not my phone] that allows people to deposit checks simply by snapping a picture of the front and back of their signed checks.

Um, has Chase heard of Adobe Photoshop?  Or as I like to call it "Adobe High-School-Kids-Committing-Check-Fraud."

Plus there are other implications.  Like when you get drunk and try to cash a picture of your ass at four in the morning.  Or when you accidentally forward Chase that picture of your dong you keep on your phone "for the ladies."  Or when you have to serve 18 months probation for committing check fraud.

I have a better idea: Let's just get rid of checks all together.  We live in modern times for heck's sake.

I know it would make your grandmother's trip to the Piggly Wiggly slightly more nerve-racking, but bitch needs to get direct deposit and a check card!