Long Live Heavy Drinkers!

Oh no, wait…  I got that headline wrong.  It's supposed to be "Heavy Drinkers Live Long."

TIME.com got the whole Internet excited yesterday with their article proclaiming "Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers, Study Finds."  To quote:

"Even after controlling for nearly all imaginable variables ? socioeconomic status, level of physical activity, number of close friends, quality of social support and so on ? the researchers found that over a 20-year period, mortality rates were highest for those who had never been drinkers, second-highest for heavy drinkers and lowest for moderate drinkers."

Now, I realize I am writing this on the Tosh.0 blog, so let me clarify: "Mortality rate" means the number of deaths, and the "drinks" are alcohol, not Toshtinis.

But yes, apparently, not only is any alcohol better than no alcohol, even tons of alcohol is better than no alcohol.

To truly ratchet up your health, I suggest exercises that involve alcohol.  Beer pong, sloshball or doing sit-ups into a bottle of vodka all are excellent ways of getting your heart pumping while consuming that life-giving nectar known as booze.

And why not get those essence-enhancing alcohol effects right at the start of your day!?  Morning drinking is the only way to go!

Suffering from severe illness??  Screw Western science! I get my medicine from Kentucky!  Try carrying a half-pint of whiskey in your back pocket.  Longevity is just a few sips away!

Thank you, TIME Magazine!  Drink responsibly.