Tosh.0 Blog

Submit Your Own 'What's Your Name?'

Posted by: Matt Koff | April 3, 2013 at 1:22AM

Deliver this awesome fella's speech, word for word, and maybe we'll put you on television! How cool would that be! (Correct Answer: "Pretty cool.")

Submit your own 'What's Your Name?'

Q: What's your name?

A: My name.. oh, let me tell you my name: I'm confused.

Because.. uh.. you know.. like we're supposed to believe in the ministry, right? So is the, uh, is the church and state supposed to be separate? I'm confused 'cause I never went to school.

Right? Is a confused person.. get a resolution? I don't understand. You see, when you go like that, right, you have a cross – two sticks, right? And that's how I felt when I was in Waterloo, cause when I walked in Waterloo and smiled at people they treated me like a vampire. They used a cross and they went like this by not smiling at me.

In Toronto – hey, hi guys! you know me – Steve Spiros, easy going? Those who know me, I'm a nobody, you understand? And you can't kill a person with no BODY!

So why am I afraid? I'm not afraid! I'm afraid of the bogeyman. Who's the bogeyman? You figure it out! I'm getting outta here! I'm going back to Waterloo where the vampires hang out.

And I'm gonna wear my sunglasses at night. You know why? Because WOMEN show their TITS! Have short SKIRTS! And then they feel VIOLATED when I LOOK at them! Why? 'Cause I have sunglasses on and I'm weird.

Uhh, I'm from Humberside.. I'm sorry if I made a fool of Humberside.

But to all those people who called me a sleepwalker: I woke up! Now I'm going back to sleep 'cause I'm gonna be committed in an isolation room because I'm gonna go back to the ministry and allow them to perceive me as I am – a FUCK-UP!

GOOD-BYE!

Hey, Toronto's good. Look at.. look at this square! It was a shithole when I worked here. Now it looks like New York, Manhattan! Where are the bums? There's no bums here! Toronto doesn't have bums! But Waterloo, they're creating bums, they created me – why? I don't know, maybe it's the church! Talk to the pope, he knows everything.

I've had it! I'm gonna die! How can you die when you're DEAD!? Oh, wait a second. I'm gonna be crucified, right?

(sighs) I'm not gonna raise my voice. Cause I'm committed to the Lord. I love you.

Watch the original video here!