This man. Do you see this man? Do you see the glasses he's wearing? They are computer glasses. Have you heard of these?

We'd all like to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Apparently, the internet is best through piss-colored glasses.

These are glasses — specially tinted glasses — designed for viewing a computer screen. The yellow tint is designed to reduce "eyestrain" and provide other pseudo-scientific benefits like MORE ENERGY! Yes, tinted glasses can do these sorts of things. You just have to believe. In homeopathy.

But don't take my word for it! Take their word for it! Here are some of the technologies that the manufacturer (Gunnar) uses:

• diAMIX™ lens material offers an optically pure viewing experience with ultra-light, ergonomic properties;
• iONik™ lens tint takes artificial light and precisely tunes it to the physiology of the eye;
• fRACTYL™ lens geometry mimics nature to aid the natural focusing power of the corneal lens and creates a preferential ocular microclimate.
• i-Fi™ lens coatings capture good light from digital screens while filtering out glare and reflective light;

Pretty serious, huh? "i-Fi" is a hip trademark in so many different ways. They're lucky they got that one.

But even if you buy their pitch and choose to get a pair, it probably doesn't matter. Remember: Girls who wear glasses seldom get passes. Geeks don't get passes either way.

There's a pretty swell list of how popular internet things compare to their addictive drug counterparts. It's got MySpace as "huffing spray paint" because it "destroys any chance of looking credible" and Vimeo as a good tab of acid. And, indeed, YouTube can ruin a party as bad as a bottle of tequila. But I definitely have some trouble with them comparing Tumblr to a nice bottle of wine. Here's how he explains it:

A quiet night in with a couple friends, and a couple of their friends. Spilling nostalgic stories, flipping through photo albums, singing favorite songs, aiming for poignancy, and occasionally stumbling onto it. Emotions flow freely and without thought.

Ok, but why the nice bottle of wine?  You couldn't have this same event with a cheap bottle of wine?  Or any bottle of wine?  Or any alcohol for that matter? Suddenly, because you're a Tumblr fanboy, it's a bottle of Opus One. Get over yourself.

[via BuzzFeed]

Or — Why are their eyes in the right place FOR THE HOLES IN THEIR FUR?

No matter how you ask it, the coincidence is puzzling. Leave your explanations for this evolution puzzle in the comments.

Okay –- fair enough -– I’m fine with her calling the police for the occasional frivolous incident since she probably paid for the whole police department with the luxury taxes on her nose job.

But here’s when things got a little ridiculous. According to the OC Register, after the police checked out her home, finding no evidence of a break-in, she “requested that the deputies Google Earth her house and keep it on satellite surveillance overnight.”

I’m kind of surprised she hadn’t already bought a hybrid-electric-powered satellite space telescope from Hammacher Schlemmer to watch over her estate. Everyone has one of those.

I guess she presumed that kind of Enemy of the State technology was just a standard government service. I mean, they even get that kind of service in Iran for free. Like, from the CIA.

Remember that super-viral skateboarding dog named Tillman? He's back!

He happens to be playing a just-released-on-Monday Tony Hawk video game right before Christmas season. There's no way this is staged!

A dog playing a skateboard video game wouldn't be that hard to fake when you think about it. All you really see him do is sit, stay, come forward a little bit, etc. I won't be impressed until they can get a dog to beat Dance Dance Revolution.

ToshPoint1.com

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I don’t know if it’s even possible to “upgrade” Tosh.0. The show is already so good. But who knows –- season two might be that much more mind-blowing. That's why this week, I'm peddling the domain name ToshPoint1.com. Any takers?

Here are some things you could do with ToshPoint1.com:

• A homepage for the point guard on the Tosh.0 basketball team.
• List improvements the show could make in performance, stability, and security.
• A gossip blog speculating about the demerits on Daniel Tosh's driver's license.
• Cybersquat the domain on speculation that the network will change the show's name. (They won't.)
• Or, you can't lose by just forwarding it to the Tosh.0 Blog

If you don't know how to buy a domain name, here's how. Buy ToshPoint1.com before Comedy Central does!

I'm afraid to say anything mean because this dude might come after me looking for some payblack, but here goes:

• I don't know how he's going to handle both of those girls at once. He might have to put one of them on the black burner.
• Say what you will about appearances, but I know this guy and he would literally give you the shirt off his black.
• Or, as one BuzzFeed user put it: "I want to make him black and blue by popular demand."

As I've probably just proven, you can't replace "back" with "black" and then suddenly think you're a bad-ass. Wearing a do-rag doesn't work either.

[via BuzzFeed]

Did you know that if you slow down a water balloon popping, you can see the water hold in the shape of the balloon for a moment? Crazy huh?

Did you know that if you slow down a golfball being hit, you can see it compress to like 3/4 the size?

How 'bout this one? Did you know that if you slow down a metalhead freak flipping his dreadlocks, absolutely nothing interesting happens?

You're missing the point of slow-motion. It's supposed to be so I can see something I didn't the first time — maybe the momentary look of terror on your face as you get owned in a mosh pit. I see no such enjoyment factor in your attempt at the slow-mo hair moves of a L'Oreal Paris commercial. (Though, I quite liked the Trampled Cheerleader's crack at it at the end of her web redemption.)

This video is also accompanied by the dude's song "Rag Tag Flag." I can understand why he'd use this tactic to promote it. "Freak On a Leash" proved that heavey metal plus a slow-motion video is a winning combination… if you want to be on TRL in the 90s and then never heard from ever again.

Old people doing just about anything can be funny on the internet.

Reddit filed this video of "Technoviking's grandma" under WTF but I think it makes perfect sense. I mean, being really, really senile is basically the same thing as dropping acid, right?

If I'll be spending my retirement days dancing to techno in broad daylight with a bunch of Italians, I'm officially cashing in my 401k right now.

Wait, you mean when a Janet Jackson song starts playing everyone doesn't usually break out into her choreographed dance? Maybe for her brother's music, being that he was an actual superstar. But Janet has to arrange this sort of thing.

Janet Jackson has this new compilation album coming out today (among other things I don't care about). The above "flash mob" was one of three commissioned to celebrate the release. Though the whole thing was organized by "Flash Mob America, " Jackson's website also pimped out the events to draw the fans. And then — what a surprise — Janet Jackson herself showed up at one of the flash mobs (you can see her on the balcony in the video). This definitely wasn't a publicity stunt!

I don't care if you're famous; you're not allowed to organize flash mobs for yourself. You can sell out the Staples Center. People will pay you to get into a gigantic group. There's no need to prove that you can organize a bunch of people to dance to your music at a shopping mall. That's not a "flash mob." It's just a mob.

Thank you, Buzzfeed, for trying to be cute by posting the above video of an elk splashing around in a puddle!

Unfortunately, this video triggered my PTSD, causing a flashback to when I was scarred as a young child watching The NeverEnding Story.

Lucky for him, the elk calf is extra excited to be taking a birdbath in sewage, otherwise this Swamp of Sadness would certainly have eaten him alive.

All animal videos become less cute when you imagine a blood-curling "Artax!" accompanying them.

The image above is of one of the "most likable" clouds in the world. I don't like clouds at all. When I watch the forecast I hope for "no clouds."

But I guess I'm not surprised that there's a site out there finding a silver lining. It's called the Cloud Shape Classifier.  They've created an algorithm to help determine which clouds people find most delightful. Here's their spiel:

Many people would like to see interesting clouds, but lack the spare time in which to look upwards. A Cloud Shape Classifier can help by watching the sky as people go about their routines, and showing them the best clouds at a later time.

I don't think the reason people don't look at clouds is because they "lack the spare time" to do so. Staring at the clouds is the quintessential boring thing to do. I don't want to look at clouds "at a later time." My goal is to not stare at clouds. I do not want my head to be in the clouds, both literally and figuratively.

But the Cloud Shape Classifier takes it a step further. It learns from the clouds that you like and recommends new ones for you:

Since not everyone likes the same clouds, the Classifier learns each individual's taste, and tries to show them only the clouds that they will like.

We live in a world of recommendation engines. We used to spend hours picking the right movie at Blockbuster, but now, there’s Netflix. Nobody spends time in record stores anymore. Instead, Pandora picks out music for you. But have you ever once in your life thought, “Boy, I wish someone could recommend me a good cloud?"

I can't even find a good place to do my dry cleaning and they've got this extensive of a system for "cloud liking."

It's a pretty sad time. Season one of Tosh.0 is over. Don't worry. As you can probably tell, the blog is still here.  We'll continue posting until Tosh returns.

Still, I expect that you've cried at least eight or nine times since the season finale aired last week. Well, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. It's only a TV show.

Instead of being a wuss all the time — just try looking like one. I've dug up an online makeup tutorial that will make it look like you're crying, even when you aren't. So, dry your eyes. You'll still get all the attention of concerned peers asking, "Why are you crying?" without the constant puffy face, the added expense of tissue boxes and the nagging urge to slit your wrists.

There's even a bonus tutorial: Lady GaGa lips. You should wear those, even on happy days.

Share your lamentations in the comments.

These two images are hot on Tumblr today, meaning people are passing them around and posting them to their Tumblr blogs.

What a great idea — spreading missing cat flyers virally around the internet instead of just on telephone poles. It's way more effective. I mean, cats this awesome could literally be anywhere.

But I don't think they're going to find that second cat alive. He looks like he has mob ties.

There is nothing ambiguous about a baby's gender. That's why a doctor can dramatically proclaim, "It's a girl!" when it pops out. In fact, you can figure out the gender of a baby before it's even a baby.

But I think we should humor him/her. What gender do all babies start off as? Tell us what you think in the comments.

Want more? You can also go into the archives and answer more stupid questions.

The decade has been dominated by several wide-ranging topics, including international trade and a growing concern over energy supplies; the explosion in telecommunications and data communications; the ecological crisis; a widespread economic failure in the last quarter of the decade; further integration and dependence on technology; concerns with international terrorism and war; natural disasters, including the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami; an escalation of the social issues of the 1990s, and the debate over how to address global warming.

Are we sure this wasn't the decade when the world ended? That might be the most depressing paragraph I've ever read in my life. I'm counting 25 different synonyms for "catastrophe." They even came up with a way of negatively portraying developments in the digital sphere by calling it "dependence on technology."

But most of the article is actually dedicated to an even more pressing crisis: What to name the 2000s. The 80s, 90s — those are colloquial terms for decades. But "the 2000s" is just awkward, so there are all sorts of options being proposed like, "the aughts," "the nils" and "the Twenty-Os". Twenty-Os? That's even more awkward. It sounds like a cereal. Though at least then the name would be as big of a mess as the decade is.

I think Wikipedia wants to call it "Judgment Decade".

[via Kottke]

File this one away for Valentine's Day. It's sure to fill the void in your heart better than sobbing into a carton of Häagen-Dazs.

By the way — does that guy seem familiar? That girl? I don't know.

It's Chris Crocker, one of our first web redemptions. Will he ever learn?

Actually, will the world ever learn?? This vid has been up for less than a month and gotten a remarkable 750,000 views. What is wrong with society?

[via Unique Daily]

This is one of those videos where we don't need to say "don't try this at home," for obvious reasons:

What's it like to be so good at something no one ever wants to listen to? Daniel Tosh tries it himself:

That's not all. You can see a lot more of tonight's show right here on the site:

• Daniel goes tubing down the most polluted river ever.
• See "Sittin' on a Toilet" and sit on a toilet yourself.
• Guess the safe word in "Lemonade Boarding".
• Watch in disgust as a kid faces the chicken in a can challenge.
• Get a recap of our web redemptions in the form of arm wrestling matches.
• See the the Home Shopping ladder guy get redeemed. And come back tomorrow for an extended cut of the interview with him.
• Found your own video? Shot your own stuff? Daniel wants you to send it our way for season two.

See every single solitary clip from this week's show in this week's raw clips guide.

"Sumo Dawg" is one of about nine thousand really strange characters known as the "Dawg Pound" who show up to cheer on the Cleveland Browns. He's also, obviously, a web guru.

Sumo Dawg (sumodawg.com) probably has one of the better personal home pages I've ever seen. This is no art portfolio or self-indulgent blog: It's just a site about a guy. After reading "The history of SUMO DAWG" and "SUMO DAWG with guns," you get a really solid understanding of his personality.

But you might get a little thrown off on the "Other pictures SUMO DAWG" portion of his dawg house. It's guilty of something I call "Ambiguous Caption Syndrome." When you list pictures and text in an alternating fashion, it sometimes gets confusing — does this caption go with the picture above it or below it?

You be the judge, after the jump…

[via Martin Sargent]

PartyInTheNRA.com

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What could be better than a "Party in the USA"? A Party in the NRA. Because it's a rifle party and a party in the USA. Miley Cyrus could have appealed even more to middle America if only she'd thought of this song idea before me!

But PartyInTheNRA.com doesn't have to be a Miley Cyrus song. Here are some ideas:

• Forward it to the GOP's website.
• Make it an Evite to a big NRA benefit. (Or, an Evite to a really manly bachelorette party.)
• Create a site that sells paper shooting range targets with pop stars' faces on them.

At the very least, forward it to the Tosh.0 Blog.

Last week's Unclaimed Domain, TextuallyFrustrated.com, is now home to "A compilation of textually frustrated users," which only includes Daniel Tosh so far. A highlight for me is one user's comment:

i have such a boner.

How great is that? Well, I think PartyInTheNRA.com could be an even bigger hit!

If you don't know how to buy a domain name, here's how.

"Oh sh*t, bitch." He delivers that line with enough energy to power New York for a day! Imagine the stage presence were he to go on tour! The video screens at his stage show better zoom in exactly that much on his face.

This is YouTube user "613JoeSomebody," and in case you can't understand what he's rapping about, he's from that hot rap scene in Ottawa, Ontario. 613 is the area code for Ottawa. He pretty much repeats those two things the whole time so that should explain about 80% of his flow.

Ontario is just not a location you want to be rapping about. Try saying "muthaf*ckin Canada" like a badass. It's hard. I tried "I puck so much you'd think I play hockey" in a rap battle last night and I couldn't pull it off.

That line's for you, Joe Somebody. It's all yours.

613, out.

[via VideoGum]

Good morning, people on my Buddy List! Did you see this new web series called "INST MSGS"?

Here's the idea: they dramatize things they find on the web. And like most instant messages, that takes about 6 minutes and 35 seconds.  They must be using an old dial-up modem.

This episode opens with a puppet making misogynistic remarks. Sounds a lot like a Comedy Central show I know!

But the whole 7-minute video isn't just puppets. That could be way too entertaining.  The bulk of the episode is a reenactment of a Craigslist post. Here's their summary:

"My Women" is a Craiglist rant/ode to all the women an anonymous Detroit man has bedded. In our adaptation we've imagined our Craigslister as a photographer who remembers his past loves through the photos he's taken of them.

Okay. In other words, you took a moderately funny post from the Craigslist best-of page and made it into a student film. Thanks for "imagining him as a photographer," Spielberg. Instead of reading the original post myself in about 30 seconds, I get four minutes of stock footage and voiceover.  It's like watching the wedding video for the marriage between myself and boredom.

If you want to give INST MSGS one more chance, check out more episodes at Revision3. Though the odds of me doing that are about as likely as me signing up for a new ICQ account.

Moments ago, the image above appeared on the front page of Digg with the title, "Turtle Completes the Impossible." That's right. A turtle has learned to breakdance! So much for having found the Ninja Turtles' weakness.

I wonder if this turtle can teach the secret to my home-alone grandma. It would save me a lot of money — not having to buy one of those Life Alert necklace things for her.

It's expensive to buy things from the 80s.

On the internet, those two conflicting ideals find harmony in recaps, mash-ups and spoilers. Urlesque put together a list of wrap-up videos, calling it a wrap-up of wrap-ups. Theoretically, you could watch all of these cliff notes and know everything there is to know! Here’s what they cover:

• Music
• Visual effects
• The Big Lebowski
• The 2008 presidential race
• Battlestar Galactica
• The Sopranos
• Church History
• Western Philosophy
• First-person shooters
• Space travel
• Modern warfare
• The past decade
• Inspirational speeches

There are a lot of knowledge gaps in there. This must be what it’s like to be home-schooled.

But the other major flaw: all of these videos add up to about an hour’s worth of material! All that time just to get a half-assed perspective on a dozen random aspects of American culture? That’s why I’d like to do a wrap-up of their wrap-up of wrap-ups:

Billie Jean is the most over-played song ever. CGI always looked like garbage. The Big Lebowski is mostly f-bombs. Obama won. (Battlestar Galactica isn’t worth spending a sentence on.) There are too many characters in The Sopranos. …and in Church History. Plato is the only philosopher ever. “They may take our lives, but they may never take our freedom."

There you go.  I just boiled the history of civilization down to one paragraph.

They'll make anything that has a built-in audience into a movie these days. I like Kevin Spacey, but not that much.

And they rated it PG! I'd really like to see a parent guide their way out of that one…

[via Boing Boing]