links

Kanye took to Twitter Saturday to make a 72 tweets-long apology to Taylor Swift.

Basically, he wishes everyone would forget what happened a year ago and realize that he is a passionate human that just wants to help the world.

The apology seems heartfelt. But it's been a year! Who cares anymore? I'm not even going to make an "imma let you finish" joke because in Internet time, a year is forever. This feud is old.

The Internet has newer, better things to care about. So move on, Kanye! You're not our favorite crazy black guy anymore.

Run and tell that, homeboy!

[in letter form on Gizmodo]

Mojowijo has created a device that attaches to a Nintendo Wii remote control, turning it into a sex toy.

According to their website:

The device is able to transform the varying motions of the control into appropriate vibration signals and send them to another selected device – in the same room or over the internet. Essentially turning your Wii remotes into shared, remote controlled vibrators (aka wii vibrator or wiibrator!).

My biggest qualm with sex has always been the whole "you have to be in the same room" thing. It's like, come on, people. This is 2010. Can't my avatar just have sex with your avatar by now? Why yes they can! With Mojowijo!

You know who would be really good at demonstrating virtual wiibrator sex? These guys.

[via The DW]

What an arrogant soft drink that Sierra Mist is!

And what exactly do you mean when you tweet, "This stuff is tasty!"?  You mean Sierra Mist is tasty?  As in, you are Sierra Mist and you are tasty?

But if you're talking about Sierra Mist, you must be drinking Sierra Mist to note how tasty it is.  So what I'm envisioning is a giant can of Sierra Mist drinking a normal size can of Sierra Mist, which, frankly, is a bit disgusting — a soda drinking itself.

We'll see how far all of this braggadocio gets you, Mist.  I feel your time is coming.

P.S. Love your Cranberry Splash!  Tweet at me, homie!  For realz tho!  Let's work on a soda together!!!  LOL!!!

Oh no, wait…  I got that headline wrong.  It's supposed to be "Heavy Drinkers Live Long."

TIME.com got the whole Internet excited yesterday with their article proclaiming "Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers, Study Finds."  To quote:

"Even after controlling for nearly all imaginable variables ? socioeconomic status, level of physical activity, number of close friends, quality of social support and so on ? the researchers found that over a 20-year period, mortality rates were highest for those who had never been drinkers, second-highest for heavy drinkers and lowest for moderate drinkers."

Now, I realize I am writing this on the Tosh.0 blog, so let me clarify: "Mortality rate" means the number of deaths, and the "drinks" are alcohol, not Toshtinis.

But yes, apparently, not only is any alcohol better than no alcohol, even tons of alcohol is better than no alcohol.

To truly ratchet up your health, I suggest exercises that involve alcohol.  Beer pong, sloshball or doing sit-ups into a bottle of vodka all are excellent ways of getting your heart pumping while consuming that life-giving nectar known as booze.

And why not get those essence-enhancing alcohol effects right at the start of your day!?  Morning drinking is the only way to go!

Suffering from severe illness??  Screw Western science! I get my medicine from Kentucky!  Try carrying a half-pint of whiskey in your back pocket.  Longevity is just a few sips away!

Thank you, TIME Magazine!  Drink responsibly.

It's that time of year. The time when people who play tennis and/or think Maria Sharapova is hot tune in to watch the U.S. Open.

I'm one of those avid tennis fans. And I know that when I think tennis, I think Lil Wayne.

Obviously Sports Illustrated does too. Because they sent a self-addressed stamped envelope and three leafs of SI stationary to Lil Wayne's prison cell so he could send back a hand-written note giving his thoughts on the tournament.

(I'm not joking.)

It begins with an expression of appreciation for the opportunity and it goes on to predict "Nadal wins it all". Read the full letter here.

And be sure to watch the U.S. Open, guys! It's what all the imprisoned, rapper/blogger cool kids do.

What would it look like if you used inane Jersey Shore quotes to recaption Family Circus cartoons?

How the hell would I know?  Do I look like I run the website Jersey Circus?

It's a pretty fun blog, though I'm not sure why it takes a team of seven writers to create these things.  Maybe the writers keep offing themselves after simultaneously being forced to watch one of the worst shows in television history while reading one of the worst comics in cartoon history.  That's how my grandfather died: Watching Bonanza while reading Mary Worth.

Longtime Tosh.0 fans remember Joselyn as one of our original bloggers, but apparently Joselyn's too busy tweeting to actually blog anymore.  So occasionally I do it for her.

This week she sent me a link to the blog Hungover Owls.  It's a single-serving Tumblr blog of photos of owls that look hungover.

Or maybe they actually are hungover?  I'm not out there checking to see which owls are and are not drinking too much booze.  That's not in my job description!

Regardless, I'm not sure why Joselyn felt the need to send me this link.  Maybe it's because every time she's ever seen me, I've been hungover.

Apparently, however, she forgot that last time she saw me, I told her how my pet owl had just died of alcohol poisoning.  NOT COOL, JOS!!!

Yes, that is a rocking chair with a dildo attached for the specific purpose of pleasuring oneself.

But it's not just any rocking chair with a dildo attached for the specific purpose of pleasuring oneself…  It's the rocking chair with a dildo attached for the specific purpose of pleasuring oneself that has been approved by U.S. Patent Office as patent-worthy!

Dumb as a Blog took a look at the sex toy inventions that are on file with the patent office and chose what they think are the ten strangest.

It's a wonderfully horrible list worth looking at.  You might even get some ideas!  But be carefully if you steal them…   It would be one hell of an embarrassing intellectual property trial.

0 Views is a single-serving site that does exactly what it promises: It culls videos that don't have any views.

Problem though: Once you post the videos on a blog called "0 views," people will go and watch the videos, and then they'll get views, at which point, theoretically, they shouldn't be on the site anymore.

The whole system is flawed!

That's why I've created my own blog called "Real 0 Views," except that's not what it's called because I don't want you Googling it and finding it and watching the videos and giving them views.  So I'm not going to tell you the web address and I'm not going to tell you what the blog is called and you're never going to find it and you're never going to see the videos!

…and THAT is a REAL "zero views!"

Not quite sure how the advertising is going to work though…

[via Urlesque]

I have mixed feelings about Yelp.

Sure, it can be helpful in finding a restaurant.  But you have to keep in mind that Yelp only expresses the opinions of the kind of person who takes the time to write a review on Yelp.  It's kind of like how the best person you'll find via online dating is someone who had to resort to online dating.

Tumblr blog Cry for Yelp shows how sometimes you have to question the mental stability of members of the Yelp community…

The review from "Henry P." written in the voice of The Hulk shown above is just one of many examples of the often needy, vengeful or just plain socially inept people who voice their opinions on local eateries.

"Suddenly it's policy to let your waiters chase customers down…because I genuinely forgot to tip and apologized?" laments one review on Cry for Yelp.  Um, is it your policy to apologize only after you get caught not tipping?