news

According to The Raw Story, a website in Denmark is holding a "smallest penis" competition.

The winner gets an iPhone 5, whose headphone jack is the perfect size for romance.

For the past two years, scientists in China have been working to reintroduce a female panda and her baby into the wild. This process includes wearing costumes to ensure that their environment is without human interaction. Yep, this is happening.

"These fucking humans. How long do we play along?" -Pandas

[via Buzzfeed]

Idiot. Everyone knows Canola Oil is for partying.

[via The Chive]

According to The Huffington Post, a man was arrested after allegedly attacking his wife with a sandwich by pushing her down and rubbing the sandwich on her face.

The man has been charged with one count of assault and three counts of wasting tuna.

According to the Huffington Post, a University of Tennessee student is in the hospital for alcohol poisoning because of a practice known as "butt chugging." In my day you drank first, and then came the butt stuff.

According to The Huffington Post, Florida police were surprised to discover that a reported 'man' accused of bank robbery is actually a grandma in her forties. Next time check for a concealed weapon, fellas! (And also check for a penis and testicles.)

We've just gotten some great breaking news from our friends over at the Comedy Central Tumblr:

Your fears that the web will soon go unredeemed were unfounded. With Tosh.0?s fourth season set to resume Tuesday at 10/9c, we just got word that the show has been picked up for a 30-episode fifth season!

About the big news, Daniel said, ?It?s hard for me to get excited about anything when the Miami Dolphins look so terrible.?

So, look for more Web Redemption, more Video Breakdown and more puke when Season Five premieres in January.

Congratulations, fans! Go celebrate with a nice big glass of cinnamon.

Speaking as Tosh.0 employee, this is great news for me, and even better news for my gambling addiction.

According to The Huffington Post, a Washington man was arrested for pointing a handgun at a pregnant woman because she was smoking a cigarette. He then rescued a cat from a tree by setting a forest fire.

Chinese university students who were evacuated during their graduation due to a fire took the opportunity to snap some celebratory photos.

The Daily Mail reports one student said, "It's too big of a coincidence to see the university on fire today, as it's also graduation day. The students are filled with love in seeing the school burn."

Alright, you win this round, China.  But America's not through.  This is the greatest country in the world.  We'll figure out ways to show how much we hate school that you've never even dreamed of.

No one hates education more than America.  No one!

[via Gawker]

Back in my day, we respected our elderly ninjas.

[via The Clearly Dope]