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I didn't watch the VMAs, primarily because I am old.  I spent last night listening to The Doobie Brothers' 1975 classic Stampede which is all the music a person needs in his lifetime.

However, the MTV Video Music Awards are popular on Twitter and Tumblr and everywhere else Beliebers dwell, so I thought I'd look over The Daily What's summary of the event and give you my summary of his summary…

Beyoncé is pregnant.  That seems like the only noteworthy thing from last night.

Jay-Z is 41 and it will be his first child.  This makes Jay-Z "the David Letterman of rappers."

He's got 99 problems but unplanned pregnancies ain't one.

Shrug.  That's all I got.  Thanks to The Daily What for watching the VMAs so I didn't have to.  If I missed anything else, just fill me in in the comments which I don't read.

I know Carly said we were going to stop talking about the earthquake, but even a smart lady like Carly could not have foreseen this happening: idiots getting Survived the Quake tattoos!

Not surprising, however, is that this is happening in Brooklyn where ironic jokes are king.  Just think how funny the joke will be when the real one hits and — ironically — he does not survive.

[via The Daily What / image via NY Daily News]

Is it hot out here or is it just me? Because I'm standing over a giant charcoal grill.

[via reddit]

"Jeggings", "sexting", "retweet" and "woot" are all official words now after being added to the most recent edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.

Let's use these new words in a sentence!

got new jeggings. woot woot. every1 gonna b sexting me. retweet this if u want me ;)

R.I.P. Modern English (1550 - 2011)

[via Telegraph]

Fairies and vampires and werepanthers, oh my! These aren't just mostly naked characters in "True Blood". They are REAL. And this video proves it.

José Maldonado (somehow not one of the six José Maldonados I went to middle school with) found a real, living fairy in Guadalajara: ?I was picking guavas and I saw a twinkling. I thought it was a firefly. I picked it up and felt that it was moving; when I looked at it I knew that it was a fairy godmother.?

What did he do, you ask? Did he name it Sookie and give it a job at the only restaurant in town? NO. HE MURDERED IT.

"You killed my fairy godmother!"?Line from an HBO show delivered by an actress that has an Oscar

Sexy Tinkerbell didn't last long on Earth but that's because she went to Mexico. Hopefully other supernatural creatures will show themselves soon in the gardens of a less murder-friendly place.

[via Videogum]

According to CNN, "A 'flash mob' believed to have been organized on the Internet robbed a Maryland convenience store in less than a minute, police said Tuesday, and now authorities are using the same tool to identify participants in the crime."

This is kind of brilliant if you ask me. Yes, the Internet. Look there.

My dream in high school was to get a bunch of people together in khaki pants and blue polo shirts and just walk around Best Buy. I know, I know. PEOPLE SAY I'M A DREAMER. But it never occurred to me that we could have just walked out with TVs and washing machines.

What are you guys doing today at, say, 6:27PM?

[via BWE]

Ask me again after they find that rapist.

[via I Am Bored]

The 91-year-old was alerted by a woman after she saw him "placing our Tommy?s third birthday card" in the dog waste bin instead of the postbox across the street.

Wow.  Two years.  That's probably almost £20 in birthday card money down the drain.

Read the full article here.

[via Happy Place]

The best part about this headline is that they put "drunk" in quotes — like, he says he was drunk, but I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose.

I guess live DirecTV isn't enough entertainment for some people…

Read the full story on NYPost.com.

[via TDW]

Also, the economy is like your mom — it's f***ed the entire country.

[via TDW]