911

Since you spend all day on the Tosh blog, here's what you're missing on the rest of the web:

• A grown ass man got stuck in a high chair and had to call 911. PS his friends left him there.
• This clip from HBO's Real Sex is one of those WOW moments. I've played it ten times already.
• A drunk angry guy cut off his penis to get back at his girlfriend. Sound logic.
• Tobias Funke in The Shining. This scene still makes me want to pee my cutoffs.
• Girls in and around water is all kinds of sexy! Stay hydrated, kids.
• 'Follow me/Bring beer' sandals. I should say both of those things to potential suitors.
• Kim Kardashian's pregnant feet are- AHHHH.
• A Papa John's delivery guy was busted for delivering $40,000 worth of cocaine. Did he include the garlic sauce??
• Dharma eats spaghetti. Is the singular for spaghetti still spaghetti? She eats ONE spaghetti.
• Justin Bieber has 24 hours to claim his monkey, is definitely not going to.
• A dude rubbed his dick on some pepperoni in a grocery store because why not?
• Bonus Link: Mama June's portrait, which to be honest reminds me of Kim Kardashian's pregnant feet.

[photo via Gawker]

Since you spend all day on the Tosh blog, here's what you're missing on the rest of the web:

• The worst hairdos ever, and by worst I think they mean best
• Instagram unbanned ThatLooksLikeADick. Thank God because I love looking at penis clouds and whatnot.
• A guy called 911 EIGHTY times requesting Kool-Aid, burgers and weed. He got arrested.
• New Pizza Hut App lets you order on your Xbox. Go on, you lazy fucks! Enjoy!
• Painting a hot dog on your iPad using hot dogs. He's disguised his voice so I'm guessing this was made by Donald Trump.
• Happy Hump Day! Here are more girl's asses. Don't say I didn't do you any favors.
• 50 most ridiculous man caves. If you have one of these you'll stay single because ew.
• Here's what Bruce Jenner looks like this week. The Kardashian Klan has finally turned him into a woman!
• And Andrew Bynum flamenco dancing. Because why not.

[photo via World Wide Interweb]

Featuring some of the latest Twitter and Facebook comments about Tosh.0.

I think the more pressing question is, "Why did your parents name you 9/11?"

This pretty much describes what's going on in my head today.

[wafflehouse via joemande]

Mark Wahlberg did an interview recently with Men?s Fitness and fuck, you guys, this dude is a hero.

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:

?If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn?t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ?OK, we?re going to land somewhere safely, don?t worry.??

"And then me saying 'Who wants a Wahlburger?!?'" Oh no, wait. That's not part of the quote. I actually believe Mark though. Because did you see his hair in The Lovely Bones? Only a fucking badass can pull off that cut.

Never forget Funky Bunch.

[via Videogum]

"Well of course I'm wearing this to the job interview.  My Holocaust shirt is in the wash."

[via Reddit]

Brink's Home Security has nothing on Jean Thomas Surveillance, LLC.

[via BIOTV]

Personally, I prefer calling Jose.  Sometimes he brings empanadas.

[via Izismile]

The National September 11th Memorial & Museum officially opened to the public today.

But why travel all the way to New York City?  Just head to your local Hooters.  It's got everything America stands for: beer, boobies and buffalo wings.

Never forget …that happy hour is Monday through Friday featuring $2 domestic draft beers.

[via Viral Viral Videos]

"If you don't stay between the lines, the terrorists win."

[via Videogum]