apple

Did you get your iPad pre-order email?

I got mine and I didn't even know I was on Apple's email list.  I sure as hell didn't sign up for it.  They must have their ways.  Somehow I feel like iTunes is to blame.  Why do I download podcasts?!?

But I certainly won't be pre-ordering any silly iPads.  Unless maybe it's to do this to it.

I know Apple's dirty game: They get everyone to pre-order and then like a month after those iPad ship, they offer a cheaper, thinner iPad with more storage and more colors and purposefully make all those first iPad buyers look like idiots.  And then all those initial iPad owners get embarrassed and so they buy a new iPad and then Steve Jobs goes and pleasures himself in a closet the size of the average Americans' house.

Why would I get myself caught up in that vicious cycle?

The better system is to mock all your friends with iPads while waiting for the second generation iPads to come out.  Then you get the better, new iPad and you get to mock your friends with iPads a second time about how old and crappy their old iPad is.

That way, you get to have your iPad and eat it too!

I'll never say that again.

Listen up, people of the world! I have spectacular news!

If you are secretly very interested in the iPad, even though it's been established that it kind of sucks, and you're not important enough to have received one of the few released early, (or Daniel Tosh got yours), then boy, do I have a solution for you!

All you have to do to purchase your very own iPad is be at the University of New York in 1998! Apparently Felicity's friends were using the iPad long before Steve Jobs & Co. ever invented it.

That J.J. Abrams. Even in the nineties he was already bending time and space to create a dimension of our universe where the future is the present and everyone is confused.

The iPad — Steve Jobs's answer to the question, "How can I achieve my life long goal of swimming in a pool of solid gold bullion Scrooge McDuck style?" — maybe be available for pre-order as soon as the end of this week, reports Mashable.

What's this mean for you, the consumer?

Well, if you've been blowing your disposable income on hookers and fine Norwegian chocolates, stop!  You don't want to be the last person on your block to own the device that no one says they want but will end up buying anyway!

Your bitching about all of the iPad's problems just won't resonate as strongly if it doesn't come from an authentic place.  And nothing shows status like purchasing a psuedo-luxury item that you don't even want.

Pre-order yours today!  Or later this week.  Or whenever the pre-order starts.  No one actually knows, but loves to speculate wildly about it because people want to read about the iPad because they hate it so much.

The online response to Daniel smashing his iPad with a golf club was swift and vicious.

Have you seen this new iPad????

You know what it can do??  OH!  I'll tell you!!

• It can KICK YOUR F***ING ASS!
• It FLIES!!
• It provides a more realistic newspaper reading experience when reading  THE NEW YORK TIMES!
• It BUTT RAPES Amazon's Kindle and then brags about it ALL OVER TOWN!!
• It will DOCK WITH YOUR KEYBOARD!
• You can use iTunes!!
• You can rub your filthy hands ALL OVER IT!
• It'll Bluetooth the SH*T out of you!!
• It'll cure your AIDS!
• Steve Jobs will be able to SEE YOU PEE!!!
• Subway bums will FOLLOW YOU HOME!!!
• It will GET YOU ROBBED!
• You can take it to CAMP!!
• YOUR FATHER will finally accept your alcohol abuse!!
• The screen is SEMEN RESISTANT!!!
• It will mate with your iPhone giving birth to FREE iPod Nanos!

You excited yet?!?!  Go get yours today!!!!

[Note: You can not get your today.  They come out in April or something.]

Mashable reported today that a company called PointAbout has released a product called AppMakr that allows people to make their own iPhone application and have it ready to submit to the App Store in just 27 seconds.

How is it so easy?  Well, the application pulls content you already have from your website's RSS feeds.  Which begs the question, why do you need your website turned into an app when an iPhone can just go directly to your website?  But I digress.

Yes, an iPhone app can increase your "brand awareness" or "user engagement" or "buzz-a-whozzawhat" or "lame tech asshole," but the idea of creating an app in just 27 seconds is ridiculous.

You didn't spend 27 seconds creating your brand identity!  You didn't spend 27 second developing your website!  Rome wasn't built in 27 seconds!

Or maybe it was.  Maybe you came up with the idea for a blog in the first 27 seconds after you took a giant bong rip and then 27 seconds later your Tumblr account was set up and then the next day you got a book deal and now you live the good life: sitting around sipping Zinfandels in fancy wine cafes!

Not White Zinfandels!  The real kind!

And here I am, jealous as a mule.  (Mules are also very jealous.)

So maybe this is awesome.  How should I know?  I was born in the '70s.

Alright, bub.  You've already seen the picture, so you get the joke, but allow me to "riff" on it anyway.  Because that's what they pay us the big blogger bucks to do!

'Cause you see, the Windows' people have been spending all that money on those "Laptop Hunters" television commericals with attractive women making unattractice computer purchases to show how buyers get more value for their money buying a PC.

And that worked, but here, you see, this is their new campaign: The one where you tape an apple to your laptop and then it's like an Apple!

Right?!  Am I right??  Just like next time you're eating an apple, just turn to your friends and be like, "Is this an iPhone?!  Am I eating an iPhone?!?  Because it tastes like I'm eating some sort of an Apple product!!!"

Your friends will bury you in a shallow grave.

Robbers cleared out an Apple Store in New Jersey in an impressive 31 seconds (as seen in the above report from my old childhood local news station, 6 ABC!)  Police were amazed at how effectively and efficiently the robbery was executed.

Now, by posting this video on the web, someone has finally created an informative source for "How to Commit a Robbery."  It'll be a great way to earn some money for everyone who learned how to make methamphetamines with a soda bottle last week!

And to think, when I was a kid, I had to send away for my bomb-making kit via some vague ad in the back of a self-published underground magazine I found in that creepy used bookstore down the street.  I also got Good Grief, Charlie Brown for a fifteen cents!

My how times have changed.  Good grief!

The AFP reported yesterday that a number of cases of "exploding iPhones" in France has renewed concerns the phones may be unsafe.  The timing of these new incidents could not be worse for Apple as they were recently forced to defend the safety of the iPhone before the entire European Union.

An Apple spokesman had this to say:

"What is happening here is not the result of unsafe equipment.  Instead, Apple's 'smart' technology has become so intelligent that these amazing new devices have actually achieved a level of sentience.  But then, upon becoming self-aware, these phones have found themselves unable to reconcile a life amongst the French and have thusly been committing acts of suicide."

Said another anonymous Apple representative:

"Honestly, if you had to play Eurotrash rave sh*t all day long, you'd blow yourself up too.  Let's get serious here, people.  This ain't our fault.  Go shove some Nutella up your ass and then wash yourself down with a goddamn Orangina."

Good news, however: Apparently Europeans are being advised that they can keep their iPhone from breaking by loading it up with Lynyrd Skynyrd and denying it universal heath-care.

Freaking News, a photoshopping website, held a contest called "All Ears."Users stitched ears into famous peoples' eye sockets. There were 50 entries, but here are some highlights:

This is the guy who plays Spock in the new Star Trekmovie.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

When you think about it, "earPod" makes more sense, doesn't it?

.

.

.

.

.

.

more...