associated press

Northeast residents are encouraged not to leave their homes unless they plan on cooking pasta, want to brew a cup of tea or understand the difference between Fahrenheit and Celsius.

"I had to move all my outdoor fish tanks indoors to keep them from turning into fish sticks," said a woman whose existence is almost as believable as this article's.

The Associated Press actually ran this article on Friday.  The screengrab above is as seen on Yahoo! news.

[via BuzzFeed]

Yesterday, PopEater.com broke the news that the Associated Press, the world's largest wire news service, has been updating Lindsay Lohan's obituary just in case they suddenly have to scramble to break the news.  This just days after white powder was seen exploding out of her shoes (as seen above).

My big question is, What the hell has to be updated?

She hasn't had a theatrical movie release since 2007.  Her lifestyle hasn't really changed recently.  There's been nothing new on the lesbian front in a long time.

I think the headline "Child-Star-Turned-Crazy-Addict Dies" still works as well today as it would have three years ago.