Return your tux, call off the limo, break up with your girlfriend.
New Year's is cancelled.
According to PopEater, Snooki will no longer descend from the heavens in a giant hamster ball at midnight. An insider claimed there's "no way" the Times Square officials would allow the Snooki ball drop stunt: "You have to play by the official rules or you get kicked out."
Well, fuck a duck. I guess 2011 just isn't gonna happen.
Ringing in 2011 with your friends and family is just a lame substitution for what you really want to be doing: watching the ball drop live in Times Square while being entertained by the hottest recording artists and celebrities.
Well, this year you are in luck as there is now an official Times Square Ball App for your Apple or Android-powered handheld device!
Avert your eyes from your first glimpses of your 6 month old nephew, block out the stories of your brother-in-law's second tour of duty in Afghanistan with earbuds, and throw the glass of champagne your grandmother served you in her finest crystal to the floor: You'll need all your senses to leave your sad existence in Missoula, Montana behind and travel 2,300 miles in an instant by fully engaging yourself in the hottest NYE party in NYC with the help of cellular technology!
Don't have a smartphone? With only 4 days left until Christmas, there's never been a better time to ask your parents that you hate to buy you one for the holidays. Then upon opening and activating your device, download the new Times Square Ball App immediately!
Your life is unimportant but that doesn't mean your New Year's Eve has to be. Get reasonably close to the actual fun no matter where you are in this sad, dead world… with the Times Square Ball App!
Happy New Years from the only good city in the world… New York City.
Oh, and by the way, you're welcome. We know this is possibly the greatest thing that has ever happened for you.
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