blogs

I have mixed feelings about Yelp.

Sure, it can be helpful in finding a restaurant.  But you have to keep in mind that Yelp only expresses the opinions of the kind of person who takes the time to write a review on Yelp.  It's kind of like how the best person you'll find via online dating is someone who had to resort to online dating.

Tumblr blog Cry for Yelp shows how sometimes you have to question the mental stability of members of the Yelp community…

The review from "Henry P." written in the voice of The Hulk shown above is just one of many examples of the often needy, vengeful or just plain socially inept people who voice their opinions on local eateries.

"Suddenly it's policy to let your waiters chase customers down…because I genuinely forgot to tip and apologized?" laments one review on Cry for Yelp.  Um, is it your policy to apologize only after you get caught not tipping?

Every morning I wake up around noon, arise from my Scrooge McDuck-esque bed of gold doubloons, push my way past the finest call girls you can find in Queens, pour myself a cup of Stumptown coffee (the arrogant man's coffee!), and begin to blog.

I only mention this because, as one of the show's bloggers, I've known how successful Tosh.0 has been for awhile.  I reap the benefits every time one of you sends me an unsolicited Facebook message containing funny images of your pet.  It's a lifelong dream fulfilled, really.

But yesterday, the Internet exploded with news of our recent "rise in popularity."

It all started with an innocent article from The Hollywood Reporter.  By the time Yahoo TV picked up the story, Middle America caught on, and I was getting congratulatory emails from friends in Wisconsin where cable TV is held in the highest esteem, like Miller High Life and tailgate toss (aka "cornhole".  Well named, guys).

The whole thing hit an Internet culture apex when we reached Perez Hilton's blog.  Luckily I had a camera facing me when I saw it and now we have another puke video.

Hilton titled his post "Guess We Better Start Paying Attention To This Guy!"  Thanks!  We'd been waiting for the endorsement of accused child-pornography distributors who like drawing fake cum on celebrity faces.  Too bad Jeffrey Dahmer was murdered in prison: He was next on the list of people I'd like a shout out from.

Let's just put all the hoopla aside so we can go back to doing what we do best…  Being the greatest show in the history of television.

Here's an awesome idea for a Tumblr blog I just tumbled into.  (NOW I GET IT!)

It's called Dick Move or Funny? and it encourages people to submit their stories and let people chime in on whether they think the stories are… um… yeah… "dick" moves or "funny" moves.

The site still appears to be in its infancy: There aren't a ton of posts and most of the stories aren't particularly dick-ish or laugh-out-loud funny.  But you guys are all a bunch of dicks.  You should go submit some stories!

Sending a bunch of rowdy Tosh.0 fans to a small Tumblr blog.  Dick move or funny?

This guy hates a lot of stuff but Daniel hates even more. ?Apparently Daniel hates so much stuff that he couldn't fit it all into the episode.

In this video Daniel gives you the full list of his dislikes. Spoiler alert: You're on it.

Sometimes an idea comes along that is so brilliant, you just have to give the creator credit. The Internet Sends Me Cake is one such idea.

Some genius has started this site which revolves around her love for both cake and the Internet. The premise is simple. If you send her a cake, cupcakes, pastries, or pies, she will blog about them by posting pictures and a review.

The craziest part is that strangers are actually partaking in this seemingly one-sided deal. I can't believe anyone would send in a cake or pie to be judged by a random chick online. And what are her credentials for judging these sweets? Besides the fact that she loves them?

You know, guys, I have a love for both the Internet and money. If you send me money, I will take pictures of it and post a review on what your money smells and tastes like. I'll have money and you'll have…recognition?  And everybody will be a winner. That makes sense. Right? Right? Just send the money. We'll figure out the logistics later.

The Internet Sends Me Cake has a preference for "lemon cake with buttercream icing" and I have a preference for one hundred dollar bills. But cupcakes and checks made out to cash will be accepted, respectively.

[theinternetsendsmecake.com]

When Babies with Laser Eyes hit the Internet you probably thought to yourself, this would be better if the babies were tits. Well, well, well, you thought right.

I now bring you the only laser-based website that could ever top Babies with Laser Eyes…Lazertits! (NSFW)

The site truly needs no explanation. Just go there and check it out, unless you're at work. Or church. Or school. In these cases, I would advise you to wait.

LUCKILY! Tees are coming soon. So you can take Lazertits with you wherever you go. Unless you're going to work. Or church. Or school.

If Lazertits were a real thing, Mardi Gras would be as dangerous as when Cyclops takes off his ruby quartz visor in X-Men. Pew! Pew Pew! Now give me my beads.

[via Geekologie]

So last night I was trolling the website Lesbians Who Look Just Like Justin Bieber because, honestly, what else would I have been doing?

LWLJLJB is a site where lesbians who think they look like Justin Bieber can submit photos of themselves. Natch. The blog author comments on each submission and sometimes posts Bieber photos, music videos, and tweets. Via this fabulous news source I found the above tweet.

Oh no, he didn't. I realize Bieber was only a baby lesbian when Mitch Hedberg died but that joke is straight from his material:

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs". Sorry for the convenience.

You might have that 3-year-old fooled but you can't fool me, Biebs. I see past your feathered locks and angelic voice. And I'm upset. If you ever tweet that your fake plants died because you didn't pretend to water them, I will slap you. I'm not afraid to hit a girl.

One of today's big new stories is Pope Benedict XVI's decree that priests should try to spend more time using modern communication methods such as blogs.

Says the Pope on his website:

"Priests are thus challenged to proclaim the Gospel by employing the latest generation of audiovisual resources (images, videos, animated features, blogs, websites) which, alongside traditional means, can open up broad new vistas for dialogue, evangelization and catechesis."

Yeah, that sounds like a great idea: Encouraging sexually frustrated men to spend as much time as possible on the Internet.  I don't see that ending well.

But hopefully all these new web savvy priests can start to convert people back from the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Ceiling Cat.

Wow, there really are websites for everyone. Over at the Yummy Mummy club, they're taking their own stabs at what the definition of "MILF" could possibly mean, despite the fact that the rest of the world knows exactly what it means.
The bad news is, mums, you're not doing so well. Here's their definition:
M: Modern
I: Inspired
L: Lifemaker
F: Freakin' multi-tasking babes

Yeah, nope, that's not it. Who else wants a stab at it? Lacey in Vancouver, WA? Okay, go!
M: Man
I: I
L: Look
F: Fly

Yep. Wrong again. Anyone else? What about Ann Convery from Thompson?
M: many
I: inspiring
L: lifelong
F: friends

Wrong again. Are these mothers guessing or are their children guessing for them? One more try. C'mon Hanan P. in New Glasgow, tell them what MILF means.
M: Muslim
I: Inspiring
L: Loving
F: Friend

Wow. You MILF's are stupid.

Here's an idea: why don't you use the internet the right way and search the millions of pages online that will not only tell you, but show you what a MILF is? Warning: may be much more inappropriate for your children than your website.

On that note, stay on your own page. We've got enough MILF's who know exactly what they are running around the internet.

The word "awesome" has been overused. Now, it basically means "mediocre at best." I bailed on the awesome-train as soon as i heard that "My God is an awesome God" song. Now they're saying "awesome" in Sunday school? No thank you.

A blog called 1000 Awesome Things has watered down the word another 1000 times. Every weekday, they count another "awesome thing," and explain why it's so great. I don't expect anyone to read a list of 1000 anything, so I did it for you. Here's a look at some of the ways they're degrading the word that used to inspire awe. Let's start at #646…

#646 Picking all the dried ketchup or mustard off the lid so you get a nice, clean squirt

Yeah. How awesome. As soon as I'm about to put something in my mouth, I love to be reminded of how disgusting it is when dehydrated.

Who cares about dried stuff on top of a bottle? You should be worrying about that gross puddle of clear mustard bile that's hiding inside, waiting to ruin your food. Spend too much time cleaning off the top, you're going to forget to shake it and get blasted with that nasty guck.

Dried mustard on bottle, you are not awesome.

#985 Eating things past the expiry date

Awesome? Dysentery is not awesome.

You should have known your food was well past it's due date when you had to pick dried crap off the cap.

#743 Taking your high heels off at the end of the night and walking home in bare feet

Being barefoot on freezing pavement in a cocktail dress is no walk in the park. It's more like a walk in the garbage and pollution.

Walking around barefoot like it's Jesus's time isn't typical in modern times for a reason. Sidewalks have a layer of gross road oils, black bubble gum and bottle shards from drunk vagrants. Unless "washing your feet" is an awesome thing too, this one's a no-go.

And that cute guy who's escorting you along your wedge heel walk-of-shame… let's hope he doesn't have a foot fetish.

And, that's about all the "awesome" I can tolerate. Read the rest of the list here.

1000 Awesome Things

Not awesome.

[via The Presurfer]