christmas

Someone shared this image of "My Dad's Christmas Tree" on Reddit.

Well, hey, at least your dad will have more money for vodka — which for some reason I'm guessing brings him more joy than any holiday.

[via Reddit]

Because nothing says Christmas like the lyric "before you see the light you must DIIIIIE". Except maybe this:

Bastard sons begat your cunting daughters,
Promiscuous mothers with your incestuous fathers
Engreat souls condemned for all eternity,
Obtained by immoral observance a domineering deity

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

[via The HD]

Of course Santa is racist!  He's enslaved an entire race of elves for hundreds of years.

Then he just gives those fucking toys away!  He could easily sell them and provide the elves a decent living wage, but it's almost like he enjoys being a elf-enslaving dick, chuckling "Ho ho ho" as he travels the world while the elves are stuck freezing their tiny asses off in the North Pole.

And don't even get him started on why he doesn't give toys to the Jews…

Some of these are spot on. But I never realized how much Al Pacino sounded like the Cookie Monster.

You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my cookies!!! OM NOM NOM NOM!

[via BIOTV]

Not the only thing reindeers are spreading this year.

[via IHC]

Women do like guys who bring them gifts.

And I guess at least one woman is also into fat bearded men who like terrible puns.

[via Sketchy Santas]

Holy shit. If I knew Target had one of those TVs that doesn't have commercials on it, I too would have braved the crowds on Black Friday.

Also, a toddler-sized shark diving cage is not a bad idea. What are you supposed to do with your kids when you go shark diving? Leave them in the hands of some irresponsible sitter?

[via The DW]

He's probably excited because this year he asked Santa to bring his family something besides another Will Ferrell DVD.

I like Will Ferrell.  I like Mark Wahlberg.  That doesn't mean I want to watch The Other Guys more than once.  Woof.

[via The Daily What]

We can learn a lot from Kristen Stewart.

We can learn the small things. Like if you need to convey nervousness, thoughtfulness, or lust, bite your lip. Or if you need to convey confusion, embarrassment, or indifference, touch your hair.

But we can also learn the big things. Like the story of Christmas.

Happy, um, holidays. Everybody.

[via Tastefully Offensive, previously: Public Speaking Lessons from Kristen]

Santa Claus was rappelling into the Palm Beach Gardens Mall when his snow white beard got stuck in the rope leaving him dangling, beardless and hairless, above countless horrified children.

According to WTSP, "Gardens Mall reports that the helper is a professional rope climber who did the stunt for free. He did a run-through without a hitch, but sans beard, mall officials say. He left quickly afterward and wishes to remain anonymous."

Well, I'm sure THE INTERNET will respect his wish for anonymity.

Until we discover his true identity we'll just call him The Worst.

[via The DW]