cocaine

Since you spend all day on the Tosh blog, here's what you're missing on the rest of the web:

• A grown ass man got stuck in a high chair and had to call 911. PS his friends left him there.
• This clip from HBO's Real Sex is one of those WOW moments. I've played it ten times already.
• A drunk angry guy cut off his penis to get back at his girlfriend. Sound logic.
• Tobias Funke in The Shining. This scene still makes me want to pee my cutoffs.
• Girls in and around water is all kinds of sexy! Stay hydrated, kids.
• 'Follow me/Bring beer' sandals. I should say both of those things to potential suitors.
• Kim Kardashian's pregnant feet are- AHHHH.
• A Papa John's delivery guy was busted for delivering $40,000 worth of cocaine. Did he include the garlic sauce??
• Dharma eats spaghetti. Is the singular for spaghetti still spaghetti? She eats ONE spaghetti.
• Justin Bieber has 24 hours to claim his monkey, is definitely not going to.
• A dude rubbed his dick on some pepperoni in a grocery store because why not?
• Bonus Link: Mama June's portrait, which to be honest reminds me of Kim Kardashian's pregnant feet.

[photo via Gawker]

Someone put cocaine in my birdseed and I've never felt more alive.

[via Acid Cow]

Weird, my party sweatshirt says Tylenol & Tuna Fish.

[via Izismile]

I was fine with California legalizing the sale of pot, but this is getting a little ridiculous.

[via Izismile]

So Jack and Jill came back down the hill

And went to the movies instead

And there they saw a preview that made them wish they were dead

Adam Sandler made a film and the title was their name

It was even worse than the erection thing. You should have felt their shame

They needed something stronger, a quicker route to death

And that is the story of how Jack and Jill started taking meth

[via reddit]

Featuring some of the latest Twitter and Facebook comments about Tosh.0.

What You're Saying About Tosh.0 has featured the tweets of porn stars in the past… but this is our first gay porn star!  What a milestone!

Here's a peek at Dayton's Twitter profile pic:

I don't know which is less surprising: that this dude loves Tosh.0 or that he loves cocaine jokes.

The rules of life don't apply to Lindsay Lohan. She can use Facebook on Twitter and pay for necklaces with air.

Pretty cool. Don't you think so, Daily Show blog readers?

[@lindsaylohan]

That's so much blow it took two and a half men to carry it in!

ZING.

I heard Charlie Sheen's party was so crazy there were ten hookers for every two and a half men!

ZING.

I heard Charlie Sheen's so frail, he's only going to need two and a half pallbearers!

I'VE BEEN FIRED.

[via TMZ]

What does it take to get a spike in ratings these days? Well, if the numbers for Monday's episode of "Two and a Half Men" are any indication, it takes one hooker, one hotel room, and three lines of coke.

Thirteen million people tuned in this week to watch Charlie Sheen and friends ham it up for the laugh track. That's a 7% increase from before Sheen's incident.

Our publicity team is working like crazy today upon hearing the news. They're trying to get the Tosh.0 prostitute to meet Daniel in the Penthouse Suite at the Holiday Inn. Cocaine's on us.

[via Gawker]

According to a totally legitimate and not at all fake source, Paris Hilton wanted to use the bathroom before talking to police because was trying to stash coke in her vagina.

"She knew it would be her only chance to hide the cocaine and avoid arrest."

So what. Big deal. If you recall, Paris thought that cocaine was gum. And who wouldn't hide their last pack of Trident in their no-no part?

If you keep gum out in the open, everyone else will see it and want a piece. And then all of a sudden you're the Spearmint Santa Claus and you're passing out strips to the whole room.