condiments

"Jeez, if she's that desperate for attention, she should stop acting so crazy and just get into pornography." — Her parents

[via Viral Viral Videos]

I think I'm going to really RELISH fatherhood.

[via Pleated Jeans]

The word "awesome" has been overused. Now, it basically means "mediocre at best." I bailed on the awesome-train as soon as i heard that "My God is an awesome God" song. Now they're saying "awesome" in Sunday school? No thank you.

A blog called 1000 Awesome Things has watered down the word another 1000 times. Every weekday, they count another "awesome thing," and explain why it's so great. I don't expect anyone to read a list of 1000 anything, so I did it for you. Here's a look at some of the ways they're degrading the word that used to inspire awe. Let's start at #646…

#646 Picking all the dried ketchup or mustard off the lid so you get a nice, clean squirt

Yeah. How awesome. As soon as I'm about to put something in my mouth, I love to be reminded of how disgusting it is when dehydrated.

Who cares about dried stuff on top of a bottle? You should be worrying about that gross puddle of clear mustard bile that's hiding inside, waiting to ruin your food. Spend too much time cleaning off the top, you're going to forget to shake it and get blasted with that nasty guck.

Dried mustard on bottle, you are not awesome.

#985 Eating things past the expiry date

Awesome? Dysentery is not awesome.

You should have known your food was well past it's due date when you had to pick dried crap off the cap.

#743 Taking your high heels off at the end of the night and walking home in bare feet

Being barefoot on freezing pavement in a cocktail dress is no walk in the park. It's more like a walk in the garbage and pollution.

Walking around barefoot like it's Jesus's time isn't typical in modern times for a reason. Sidewalks have a layer of gross road oils, black bubble gum and bottle shards from drunk vagrants. Unless "washing your feet" is an awesome thing too, this one's a no-go.

And that cute guy who's escorting you along your wedge heel walk-of-shame… let's hope he doesn't have a foot fetish.

And, that's about all the "awesome" I can tolerate. Read the rest of the list here.

1000 Awesome Things

Not awesome.

[via The Presurfer]