down

"What? Yeah I'll check his pulse in a sec lemme just get this picture LOL."

[via UberHumor]

In her defense, after she saw the snake she caught her husband in bed with the maid and THEN burned down the house.

[via Fail Nation]

Who doesn't take their pants off to pee? Oh. Boys don't. Got it.

[via Cherry Plucker]

He's hoping that the last one's actually got the goods.

[via FailBlog]

If he had a queen he'd be getting laid. HAHAHAHA I kid. I kid.

[via Izismile]

That bird might LOOK like an idiot, but at least he doesn't SOUND like an idiot.

Dude, maybe the bird is just trying to get a workout?  There aren't many treadmills in the wild.  But YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT THOUGH!

[via Stuff I Stole from the Internet]

Also, the economy is like your mom — it's f***ed the entire country.

[via TDW]

Your hero called.  He wanted you to have this self-portrait of himself.

[via I Am Bored]

…replaced by the message above.

Just think of all the penises that are going unseen right now!

Oh, the humanity!!!

For the time being, I'll have to resort to my old method of meeting strangers…  dark alleys.

[via BuzzFeed]

Twitter is down right now (so don't even bother clicking that hyperlink I provided).

What does this mean?

• Somewhere, someone is doing something meaningful with their life
• Somewhere, someone is expressing themselves in more than 140 characters
• Somewhere, a train isn't crashing because a conductor is texting in an update
• Somewhere, Ashton Kutcher has entered into what can medically be considered a coma
• Somewhere, a child is crying [That has nothing to do with Twitter.  Just a fact.  His father is an abusive alcoholic.]
• No one will ever read this post because I have no way to promote it
• No one will ever know what I had for lunch

If Twitter ever gets back up and running (Boy let's hope not!), you should take a moment to follow Daniel Tosh!

What are you doing while Twitter is down?  (No more than 140 characters, please.)

[P.S.  If you're honestly concerned, I had nothing for lunch.  So mull that one over for a second.]