fisher price

THIS IS WHY MOM IS DIVORCING YOU.

[via TheChive]

"What we're doing here today is to try and understand the underlying roots of your alcohol and drug abuse.  Think back to your childhood.  Is there anything your dad use to do?  Maybe steal your toys and play with them himself for hours on end??  Maybe he and his friends would go film a video about your Fisher-Price Power Wheels Barbie Jammin Jeep, laughing to themselves the entire time, while you were balled up in a corner crying??"

[via CollegeHumor]

The problem: Your infant is not yet a self-important jerk.

The solution: Get that tyke on Twitter!

Some jerks in Belgium have created the Twoddler, a modified Fisher-Price activity center that sends tweets based on what your toddler is doing.

How'd they do it?

First, the researchers behind the project contacted Satan who quickly gave his approval.  Next, they tortured cats for an entire week.  This got them nice and evil.  Then, they watched every James Bond movie, making sure to always root for the villain and to whine with disappointment when Bond ultimately triumphed.  Lastly, they all agreed to chop off each others pinky toe to further raise their ire and prove their contempt for humanity.

Then they made the Twoddler.

[via Wired]