heidi montag

"@heidimontag I don't know what anyone is talking about I thought you looked SUPER CLASSY on The Hills!" – @ToddlersAndTiara

[via afternoonsnoozebutton]

My big problem with any wedding is always the bride. Every time I go to one I'm all like, "This is beautiful. Great apps. But why are you marrying that beast?!?"

Obviously, I think exactly like the producers at E! because they've ordered a news series that combines wedding-themed competitions and…plastic surgery! The Hollywood Reporter explains:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her ?wish list.? She?s given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week?s episode.

I believe Oscar Wilde said it best when he said*, "That sounds like a fucking brilliant TV show."

*Not an actual Oscar Wilde quote

I give myself a soft tissue breast massage every day and I don't even have implants. Just a way to pass the time in my cubicle.

The Huffington Post had this to report yesterday:

"Heidi Montag has filed for separation from Spencer Pratt. She cited irreconcilable differences in a court document submitted Tuesday in Santa Monica, Calif.

Montag and Pratt are stars of the MTV series 'The Hills' and have been married since last April. The series is in its final season."

Yeah, I was as shocked as you are… "THE HILLS" IS STILL ON THE AIR?!?!

I never thought I'd give Heidi Montag any credit, but at least, unlike MTV, she knows when it's time for something to come to an end.

[NOTE: I am required by law to disclose that MTV is also owned by Comedy Central's parent company Viacom and that publishing this post may get me fired.]

[image via TMZ]

Last Friday, we showed you the Heidi Montag Transformers 3 "audition" video and asked you to give us a better title.

We picked five of our favorites and now it's your chance to vote on a winner.

Vote below! Then check back this Friday for the results and a new video.

I don't know if this video really has a name.  It's Heidi Montag's "audition" for the new Transformers movie?  I can't even begin to describe this train wreck.  But maybe you can?  With an awesome title?

Think you got a funnier name for this video?  Let us know in the comments!  Then check back on Tuesday at noon for the vote off!

The winning title from our last Rename This Video Vote was "Drunk Transformer" from Tbone9100.  Coincidence?  I think not!  Congratulations, Tbone9100!  You gave me a segue.

In tonight's episode of The Hills, "waste-of-space" Spencer lists the things he lets Heidi do, "I don't let her go on TV, no computers. The only thing Heidi does is read and write poetry and pray and pet puppies… She is logged out of The Matrix."

Wow. What a serene life.

You are probably just as curious as I was to read one of Heidi's pieces of poetry.

So here you go. After a little digging, I made up happened upon a poem Heidi wrote just last week. Close your Bible and grab your puppies because this is a TOSH.0 EXCLUSIVE!

My name is Heidi and I have a face

I used to have an old face but now I have a new face

My boobs are bigger than before and I got a new bathing suit

It is cute

My new bathing suit

I named it Anthony

Swim, swim, swim. Pat the bunny.

[via Gawker]

The following is an actual quote from Spencer Pratt. No, I'm not making this up. And yes, you should be scared.

"Upon learning of President Obama's declaration that the 'cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,' I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges," Pratt told People.

"My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation's security."

Well, guys, I'm moving to Canada. Spencer's never heard of Canada so I should be safe.

[via Gawker]

If you are skinny and your boobs are real, you?re probably going to die. If you get shot, that is.

Samantha Lynn Frazier of Atlantic City, pictured above, credits her love handles for saving her life after she was shot twice last weekend.

The Huffington Post reports that Frazier isn?t the first person with heroic fat rolls.

Snaz Martin, a British bartender with an awesome name, was saved by his beer belly after being stabbed in the stomach. The sheer size of his gut, doctors said, prevented vital organs from being damaged.

And whaddaya know? Lydia Carranza?s size D breast implants saved her life when she was shot in her (voluptuous) chest last summer.

So what does this mean for all of us who walk around daily without protection of any sort?

Those of you packing on the pounds now have an excuse to avoid the gym. And those of us flat-chested girls (holla!) now have cold, hard evidence that getting a boob job would save our lives. Finally.

On a side note, who knew Heidi Montag was just taking precautions against her potential murder?

All the gossip sites have been talking about Heidi Montag's excessive plastic surgery.

As she reveals in the video above, the surgery has made it difficult for her to talk.

So see, the surgery didn't just benefit her face, it helped all of society by temporarily quieting that giant yapper of hers (not to mention relieving us of having to hear her sing).

Now if she'd just get some sort of procedure that would permanently shut her up, we'd all be in great shape.  Maybe she could have her rectum surgically removed from her mouth and reattached to her anus.  At least it would keep her from spewing so much sh*t.

Help us, Dr. Frank Ryan!  You're the best.  I know you can do this!

If you haven't already, don't forget to watch Daniel's "exclusive" interview with Speidi from last season!

[via The Huffington Post, my source for everything Speidi]