I know most of you were spending your day trying to figure out how you'll stop all those nasty alien abductions that happen to you all the time, so I have some good news for you. You can!
I stumbled upon this gem of a website, Stopabductions.com, and realized I can learn how to stop aliens from abducting me and reading my mind in only a few, easy steps!
Don't believe me? Check out how to make a "Thought Screen Helmet" and stop worrying about beings from outer space violating you and robbing your thoughts. According to the site, "an expert" says they work! That's enough proof for me. This is all you have to do:
Step 1: Believe in Aliens.
Step 2: Believe they rob your thoughts.
Step 3: Find this website; be careful not to go to any real sources of information regarding outer space life forms.
Step 4: Make this helmet.
Step 5: Wear this helmet.
Step 6: Continue to lose your mind.
That's it! Remember: people wear these helmets because they're special.
Special indeed. Who woulda thunk we could rid ourselves of alien mind control so easily!? Thanks internet!