internet

The Internet is like that friend you have that always takes a joke one step too far.

You've got the banter going back and forth. You're both laughing. The laughter dies down. Then your friend, let's call him Dane Cook, has to try and get one more laugh out of it. Come on, Dane.

ShitMyDadSays is a pretty funny Twitter account that's being made into a TV show with William Shatner. ShitMyDarthSays is a parody of ShitMyDadSays with Darth Vader…well, you get it. Maybe ShitMyDarthSays will get a TV show starring Leslie Nielsen. He's kind of like a poor man's William Shatner.

Leslie can wear the Darth Vader costume around his house and throw out mean one-liners all day. Actually, that show sounds awesome. Make it happen, Internet!

[via The Daily What]

We are the people of the Internet! Except, I'm a bit confused by what the BBC thinks we do all day on here.

Are we in dialogue with leaders? LOL, Obama, WTF was Michele wearing during that press conference?

Are we helping scientists find cures for diseases? Here, show that sick guy this video of a cat. It's adorable.

Are we helping to preserve the planet's most precious resources? If by preserve you mean carve into the shape of a peen, then yeah.

I guess we are making a difference in the world!

As for the peace thing. There is no place more peaceful than Selleck Waterfall Sandwich.

Just don't tell the BBC about Cooter Kicks. That may have been a step in the wrong direction. World peace!

[via Geekologie]

Sometimes different worlds of the Internet collide and result in a funny video like this. It's Numa Numa meets Chatroulette and it's a nice reminder that watching a fat guy sing and dance is universally funny.

Man, I wish life was as simple as Chatroulette makes it seem. Just a bunch of dicks and dancing and strangers asking to see your boobs. And the occasional run-in with Daniel Tosh. Well, living in L.A. does get pretty close. TITTIES!

A recent study from the Federal Communication Commission states that 60 million people do not use the Internet.

The UK's The Register reported on the findings, and I'm just going to cite whole chunks of this article because it pretty much speaks for itself:

"Of the roughly 60 million adult Americans who don't use the internet at all…45 per cent agreed with the survey statement that 'I am worried about all the bad things that can happen if I use the Internet.' Thirty-five percent were of the opinion that 'There is nothing on the Internet I want to see or use,' and one third thought 'The Internet is just a waste of time.'"

Which goes along with this gem:

"The study says that 15 million Americans think that broadband access is irrelevant, calling the internet 'a waste of time' and saying there's no content of interest to them or that they're satisfied with dial-up."

First of all, I also think the Internet is a waste of time: That's why I use it!  I have a lot of time to waste.

But for those who think it's a waste of time and don't use it, I'm sure your time is soooo valuable.  I mean, you have enough time to respond to FCC studies, which are far more important than anything you could ever do on the Internet.

That said, I am also very worried about the bad things that can happen to me on the Internet.  But I'm worried about the bad things that can happen to me when I leave the house too.  I'm basically crippled by fear.  But I'd rather be crippled by fear and not have to move from my desk than be running around with all the wackos in the real world.

Velociraptors are nowhere near as funny when you see them in person.

[via The Daily What]

Ever since hitting the web a year ago, any Net n00b would probably be advised to make Greg Rutter's Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet one of their first stops.  Featuring quick links to things like Grape Stomp Lady, Charlie Bit My Finger and Chocolate Rain, readers of YouShouldHaveSeenThis.com can catch up on a lifetime worth of Internet time-wasting in one easy-to-browse location.

Now, a year later, Greg is back with his "Second Definitive List" of 99 more things, not so surprisingly called YouShouldHaveAlsoSeenThis.com.

Have 99 must-sees really popped up in the past 365 days?

Well, some — like Play Him Off Keyboard Cat — are gimmes.  But can I survive without seeing the Flagpole Sitta Lipdub?  Probably.  (Though I think it's been well established that I am definitively against lipdubs.)

Still, for most people, narrowing down a year's worth of web into 99 links is probably preferable to searching the web for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  Greg's actually doing us all a service, giving people back their free time so they can have a job, appease their girlfriends and attend their grandparents' funerals.  Thanks, Greg.

My only gripe about the list…  Where's Demi Moore's bush?!

How do you get online?

Just plug your computer into an "Internet hole."

Why waste time with confusing words like "Cat5 cable" and "Ethernet" when you can put getting onto the web into language a crude 6th grader can understand?

Just find your Internet hole and connect your Internet string from the hole to your plastic computing box.  Make sure your plastic computing box is connected to your mini-television screen and voila!  Now you're prepared to go to FOXNews.com!

[via The Daily What]

The Internet, your favorite waste of time and the reason I have a job, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

According to Nobel's will, the Peace Prize should be awarded to the person who ?…shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."

What Internet are you using that promotes fraternity and peace? Because I'm using the one that promotes keyboard-playing cats, Snooki memes, and endless photobombs. And I know I'm not the only one! The video above has been viewed 136,000,000 times. Who is abolishing standing armies? And why the hell aren't they watching Charlie bite his brother's finger instead?!?

Salvador Dali once famously quipped: "I don't do drugs; I am drugs."

Which is kind of how I would feel if someone asked me, "How often do you use the Internet at home?"

I don't use the Internet at home; my home is the Internet.

Seriously.

I don't "use the internet several times a day."  I use the Internet once a day… all day… everyday.  Thanks to my wireless router, the Internet is hovering about in every cubic inch of my apartment at any given moment for me to grab.  Multiple laptops are open and ready to strike at anytime, constantly awaiting that next email or instant message or Google search.

If I am not on the Internet, something is wrong.  Something needs to be unplugged and then replugged and then hopefully everything will go back to normal or it will be time to FREAK OUT.

Each year, Focus tracks "The State of the Internet" and publishes it using graphs like the one above.

Well that's my state of the Internet.  I guess I fall under "OTHER."

[via The Presurfer]

Here's some dorky guide to hacking something or other, but hold the internet phone. Before you put together a video that 28,000 people are going to see, you'd think you'd make sure all of your browser windows are closed. Unless, of course, you're trolling for a reaction.

What's "trolling," you ask? Well, on the internet, it's purposely doing something to elicit negative reactions from people. Like my brother did the first ten years of his life.

So sure, it's kind of funny… the guy's looking at bizarre porn. We get it. But don't give him the attention he wants! It will only make him stronger. Just ask this troll:

On Friday, Royal Pingdom presented "Internet 2009 in numbers" — an article doing exactly what it says: compiling last year's interesting web stats.

Did you know, for instance, that there are 126 million blogs on the Internet?  Or did you realize that 50% of Facebook users log in every day?

The most painful stat though is that the average Internet user watches 182 videos a month.  That's around 6 videos a day, which sounds about right, but still…  I don't need my monthly video views extrapolated out like that.  It starts to get depressing.

That implies that the average person watches 2,184 videos a year.  And yet, I can't remember a single one.

It's like the Internet is some alcohol-fueled orgy where you can't remember who you slept with the next day.

Most likely, I had around 2,184 video partners in 2009… almost all of them anonymous.  I think it gave me a brain STD.