Late Night

Months! For months and months we've wondered. We've spent sleepless nights waiting and speculating. We've hardly been able to think about anything else.

WHAT WILL CONAN O'BRIEN NAME HIS NEW TELEVISION SHOW???

My first vote would have been American Idol. But seeing how that is taken by some less deserving fools, I'll settle for something else.

Conan.0 maybe? That's got a nice ring to it.

[via Movie Web]

The blogosphere refuses to get over this whole Leno vs. Conan thing.  It's like all anyone wants to talk about.

What's even more annoying is that all the blogs in the liberal, youth-soaked online media seem to be behind Conan.

What garbage!

Here's why I am a Leno guy:

1. Headlines!  They never get old!!
2. Denim is yummy!  Grr!!
3. What's the deal with Andy Richter??  Leno doesn't need no stinkin' sidekick.
4. Ginger kids.  Gross!
5. Gotta love Indian giving.
6. Cars are really neat!
7. Leno represents my values.
8. I will never forgive Conan for ripping off the Super Mario Bros. background.
9. Without Jay's sensible brand of semi-topical humor, I will never know the results of the latest research studies put out by second-tier public universities.
10. Like Pepe Le Pew, Leno chases after my heart!

Was that convincing enough?

Some of the biggest buzz on the Internet continues to revolve around the drama that has developed with NBC's late night television line-up.

Is Leno going back to 11:35?  What happens to Conan?  Will people keep watching Jimmy Fallon all the way until 2 in the morning?  How the hell has Carson Daly's show lasted 9 seasons?

Now, I know for a fact NBC Universal television Chairman Jeff Gaspin reads the Tosh.0 Blog on a regular basis.  He's scouting me as talent for a yet-to-be-titled network sitcom, the handwritten pilot of which I leave out front of his gated estate multiple times a week.  So I'm going to give him two and a half pieces of advice on how to solve this dilemma.

Two and a Half Men reruns.

Some people may say, "Mike, that show has gotten kind of awkward now that that Angus T. Jones kid is grown up."  To which I would reply, I have no idea what you are talking about.  I've never seen the show.

However, I do know the show is very popular.  And it's dirt cheap!  You can buy the complete fifth season (what many believe is the best season) of Two and a Half Men on Amazon.com right now for only $21.99!

How much are they paying Conan?  He has like a $50 million dollar contract or something??

$21.99!  That's a profit of $49,999,978.01!!

Jeff, just cut me in for 10% and well call it even.  I walk with over $4 million, I'm happy.  I'm willing to negotiate too.  We'll talk.

Speaking of talking, now maybe the Internet can talk about something else for a change!  No one watches late night TV anymore anyways.

…is obviously TMZ.

How do these guys know everything?!

If you are a celebrity, or work in the entertainment business, or know anyone who works in the entertainment business, or even live anywhere near Los Angeles, here's what you need to do:

Look to your left.  Now look to your right.  Everyone you see is a mole reporter for TMZ.

I realize we live in the world of Twitter and compromising Facebook privacy-setting changes, but sometimes, you have to understand that everyone in the world is against you.

When you witness a celebrity death, keep it quiet.  Hide the body in your closet.  Swallow the key.

If you work behind the scenes at a national television network, never leave your office.  Cover your computer screen with a hood and that you duck your head under to check emails (football ref style!)

Don't get yourself wet and definitely DON'T EAT AFTER MIDNIGHT, or you will turn into a crazy monster that can't stop sending TMZ anonymous emails from your old Yahoo account giving away trade secrets about how Kelly Ripa's handlers keep her from terrorizing Manhattan!

Beware.  They walk among us!

Had the Internet been in full swing back when Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon originally performed their silly Christmas ditty "I Wish It Was Christmas Today" on Saturday Night Live (with prominent onlookers Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan), the song would probably already be a holiday mainstay.

But alas, it wasn't until last night's performance of the song on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon that the tune had its second coming.  (Kind of like Jesus, oddly enough!)

Fallon and Sanz got things started in its traditional arrangement before The Strokes' frontman Julian Casablancas launched into a full rock version backed by Fallon house band, The Roots.

Casablancas had the foresight to record a beefed up version of the song and release it as a single back in November.  You can buy the song on iTunes or get the song as a bonus track for buying his solo debut album.

With all the press the performance has gotten, I think we can safely change Julian's last name to Cash-in-blancas.

And don't forget Fallon and Sanz who, as the song's writers, will be receiving royalties.

Looks like those three have given themselves a nice little Christmas present.  And all they had to do was rehash a song they wrote a decade ago.

Marry Christmas!  May the rich and famous get rich and famous-er!