local news

Just think how annoyed New Yorkers will be when they find out that most of those delivery guys on bikes and panhandlers are also hipsters!

[via I Am Bored]

Your mom is such a slut, she made the Action News.

[via IHC]

I think the new warning before Tosh.0 episodes should just be this guy saying, "He's gonna get racial here. He's gonna get racial!!! Okay."

[via Videogum]

Look what the cat dragged in. Oh, they already used that one? Okay, then…

Cat got your tongue? Yeah. And your swimsuit.

Nailed it.

[via Dlisted]

Let's check in on my hometown of Fort Myers, Florida!

Soooo the 9 year-old black kid who knows a lot about triangles received a bunch of dirty sext messages from a guy who was just trying to sell a couch.

Yup. Sounds about right.

I am not even remotely surprised by this news story. What does concern me though is the number of gift baskets in that house. Do people normally send assortments of treats to sexting victims?

If they took the golden egg-laying goose, I will literally lock myself in my room forever!  Not even my favorite of our domestic workers will be able to convince me to come out!!

[via The High Definite]

Don't be embarrassed Mr. Weatherman, we all do what we have to do to stay warm.

Gah! This cocoa tastes gross.

[via The DW]

Dear TV Weatherman,

Congratulations.  You've cracked the Internet's code.  If you make your weather map look like a giant dong, a screengrab of your newscast will end up on the web.

Did you know if you shoot yourself in the head on TV, you can be immortalized in a Filter song?

At this point, whichever path you choose to fame is fine by me.

Sincerely, Me

[via The Daily What]

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE END. HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE KIRK CAMERON MOVIES ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE? THEY'RE CALLED "LEFT BEHIND" I THINK. THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT. GOODBYE EARTH. GOODBYE HUMANITY.

Either that or it was too cold.

[via FailBlog]

I agree that these snow penises should be taken down immediately.  Waiting for genitals to melt is a slow and painful process.

[via BuzzFeed]