macintosh

Now watch me prepare mashed potatoes with my desktop PC.

[via BuzzFeed]

Have you seen this new iPad????

You know what it can do??  OH!  I'll tell you!!

• It can KICK YOUR F***ING ASS!
• It FLIES!!
• It provides a more realistic newspaper reading experience when reading  THE NEW YORK TIMES!
• It BUTT RAPES Amazon's Kindle and then brags about it ALL OVER TOWN!!
• It will DOCK WITH YOUR KEYBOARD!
• You can use iTunes!!
• You can rub your filthy hands ALL OVER IT!
• It'll Bluetooth the SH*T out of you!!
• It'll cure your AIDS!
• Steve Jobs will be able to SEE YOU PEE!!!
• Subway bums will FOLLOW YOU HOME!!!
• It will GET YOU ROBBED!
• You can take it to CAMP!!
• YOUR FATHER will finally accept your alcohol abuse!!
• The screen is SEMEN RESISTANT!!!
• It will mate with your iPhone giving birth to FREE iPod Nanos!

You excited yet?!?!  Go get yours today!!!!

[Note: You can not get your today.  They come out in April or something.]

Alright, bub.  You've already seen the picture, so you get the joke, but allow me to "riff" on it anyway.  Because that's what they pay us the big blogger bucks to do!

'Cause you see, the Windows' people have been spending all that money on those "Laptop Hunters" television commericals with attractive women making unattractice computer purchases to show how buyers get more value for their money buying a PC.

And that worked, but here, you see, this is their new campaign: The one where you tape an apple to your laptop and then it's like an Apple!

Right?!  Am I right??  Just like next time you're eating an apple, just turn to your friends and be like, "Is this an iPhone?!  Am I eating an iPhone?!?  Because it tastes like I'm eating some sort of an Apple product!!!"

Your friends will bury you in a shallow grave.