mitch hedberg

Olivia Riley caught a giant goldfish in Kansas City on Saturday. She took this short video then released it back into the lake.

Because there are very few things in life that don't remind me of a Mitch Hedberg joke, I watched and immediately pictured this:

Giant Goldfish's Friend: "Where were you?"

Giant Goldfish: "I got caught!"

Giant Goldfish's Friend: "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip!"

[via TBT]

So last night I was trolling the website Lesbians Who Look Just Like Justin Bieber because, honestly, what else would I have been doing?

LWLJLJB is a site where lesbians who think they look like Justin Bieber can submit photos of themselves. Natch. The blog author comments on each submission and sometimes posts Bieber photos, music videos, and tweets. Via this fabulous news source I found the above tweet.

Oh no, he didn't. I realize Bieber was only a baby lesbian when Mitch Hedberg died but that joke is straight from his material:

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs". Sorry for the convenience.

You might have that 3-year-old fooled but you can't fool me, Biebs. I see past your feathered locks and angelic voice. And I'm upset. If you ever tweet that your fake plants died because you didn't pretend to water them, I will slap you. I'm not afraid to hit a girl.