mtv

MTV Beach House should really give up.

[via Hyper Vocal]

I didn't watch the VMAs, primarily because I am old.  I spent last night listening to The Doobie Brothers' 1975 classic Stampede which is all the music a person needs in his lifetime.

However, the MTV Video Music Awards are popular on Twitter and Tumblr and everywhere else Beliebers dwell, so I thought I'd look over The Daily What's summary of the event and give you my summary of his summary…

Beyoncé is pregnant.  That seems like the only noteworthy thing from last night.

Jay-Z is 41 and it will be his first child.  This makes Jay-Z "the David Letterman of rappers."

He's got 99 problems but unplanned pregnancies ain't one.

Shrug.  That's all I got.  Thanks to The Daily What for watching the VMAs so I didn't have to.  If I missed anything else, just fill me in in the comments which I don't read.

Today is MTV's 30th birthday! And there's no time like a birthday to reflect on how much better things used to be. (Remember when you had a really fast metabolism? Yeah, let's celebrate the amount of years that have passed since then. With cake!)

The video above is a few minutes of the first hour of MTV. And it's pretty awesome. We've got Rod Stewart in his prime, a very exciting preview for "Superman II" and, of course, a cross-legged VJ. I remember Carson Daly looking way different.

Well, video did kill the radio star. But then some tan people from Jersey killed video.

If you're like me, your weak, scrawny body has never been to the gym; your pale, vampire-like skin fears the light of tanning; and you sure as hell don't do your laundry.

But despite all that, we can still take one step closer to that perfect Jersey look with this new line of Jersey Shore personal care products.

And I'm going to need to get really clean after I slut it up with everyone in my house.  When it comes to acting like a Jersey guy, I only stick to the important parts: being a manwhore.

[via The Daily What]

The Hollywood Reporter reports that last night's Jersey Shore premiere was the highest rated telecast in MTV history.

And if you asked the same question I asked, the answer is, yes, it even beat the 2007 return of Road Rules: Viewers' Revenge.

Here's hoping their success is never-ending! Now excuse me: I have to get back to no longer caring about Speidi.

Return your tux, call off the limo, break up with your girlfriend.

New Year's is cancelled.

According to PopEater, Snooki will no longer descend from the heavens in a giant hamster ball at midnight. An insider claimed there's "no way" the Times Square officials would allow the Snooki ball drop stunt: "You have to play by the official rules or you get kicked out."

Well, fuck a duck. I guess 2011 just isn't gonna happen.

This is a preview for Canada's answer to Jersey Shore. It's kind of long but I assure you it's worth watching.

Salem, the gay Lebanese fashion designer, describes himself as "pestimistic". (Not a typo.)

I assume you're not even reading this anymore. Blah blah titties blah. Enjoy!

[via Videogum]

This is a clip from a 2001 episode of "The Sopranos" featuring none other than our Lady of Gaga.

"Wow!" you say, "So she can act too?"

Well, not "act" as much as "get two to three seconds of screen time."

But it wasn't her first go-round trying to get famous without the use of hideous costuming, oh no. She was on MTV's "Boiling Points" back in the day looking like the normal, all-American girl she tries so hard not to be.

Apparently, when you don't wear cold cuts splayed across your chest you don't get that much attention.

At least she's learned from it.

via Blame It On The Voices

This morning, the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange.

A quick statement of facts: Tosh.0 is on Comedy Central; Comedy Central, like MTV, is owned by parent company Viacom; Viacom was created by God himself on the 8th day when, after resting, he realized he wanted to watch basic cable television.

So what's this mean for us?  Well, it could mean that possibly Daniel Tosh is not that far behind to receive the honor of ringing the NYSE's opening bell!

Or it could mean that Viacom is officially in the toilet and we'll all be out of work soon.

I'm hoping this is a good sign.  I mean, honestly, would JWoww associate herself with an inferior product?

[Note: As of writing this, Viacom stock is down.  Where are The Situation's abs when we need them!]

[via The Daily What]

In an interview with the Mirror, Prince explained why his music isn't available on iTunes or YouTube:

"The internet's completely over. I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won't pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can't get it.

The internet's like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good.

They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you."

Well I guess I'll just throw in the towel now since my whole career is based on something as outdated as MTV. Whatever. It's fine. I haven't been able to think straight lately anyway with all the NUMBERS floating around in my head!!

Numbers and cats, numbers and cats. That's all there is on this obsolete information highway.

Now where the fuck is my music box? I want to listen to Batdance!

[via The DW]