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Honestly if you don't want me to treat you like a potato, you shouldn't walk around wrapped in tin foil.

Also: are you secretly the Bad Lip Reading guy?

[via The Chive]

"Pussy, money, weed." – Lil Wayne 4:20

[via Imgur]

Just don't put hot sauce on it, or you'll never get your 675th BJ in return.

[via I Heart Chaos]

Taking our kids on vacation is way more fun than taking your kids on vacation.

[via BIOTV]

Can't honk.  Too busy fucking.

[via leslieleslie]

As in, nowhere near this guy.

[via aliab]

That's embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as the 'My daughter did this' sign he makes her boyfriend wear.

[via izismile]

Even my kid? He's on Honor Roll!!!

[via BIOTV]

Joke's on you, asshole.  My mom died last week choking on a giant cock.

[via The Clearly Dope]

This is one of those long-term commitment clubs that's impossible to get out of.

How many times do I have to unsubscribe from your email list!?!?

[thanks Brittany]