tmz

"And is this the most difficult you've ever been during a deposition?"

"I don't recall."

[via TMZ, Videogum]

Now you know why we didn't go to USC. Even SpongeBob SquarePants isn't safe around their students.

[via TMZ]

That's so much blow it took two and a half men to carry it in!

ZING.

I heard Charlie Sheen's party was so crazy there were ten hookers for every two and a half men!

ZING.

I heard Charlie Sheen's so frail, he's only going to need two and a half pallbearers!

I'VE BEEN FIRED.

[via TMZ]

[Click to play]

Listen guys. Here's the thing. I'm on a plane and my battery life is quickly dying. So a Nadya Suleman bondage video is the best I can do.

Basically, my vacation has resulted in your worst nightmare.

[TMZ]

In what can only be described as TMZ's finest reporting hour, they've brought news that Queen Elizabeth II's panties are up for sale.

Whadaya got for me?

Some weirdo has kept the Queen's underwear for 40 years and now they're being auctioned off.

Great. Get a pic. Lay them out on that crunchy paper they use at doctor's offices.

The estate is looking to get $9,000 for the royal skivvies. Oh, fame.

We commoners can only hope that one day we'll be important enough to sell our used underwear.

[via TMZ]

If you haven't heard yet, Tila Tequila was attacked over the weekend at The Gathering of the Juggalos.  And if you haven't heard, I envy you.  TMZ recently released the above footage of Tila's "performance."

Now, I'm not going to support anyone getting attacked for any reason.  (I'm one of those bleeding hearts who keeps whining that we should get out of Afghanistan.)

But, if I had to get behind a public assaulting, I'd say targets don't get much more worthy than Tila Tequila.

For someone who's life is built around public exposure, Ms. Tequila has been hiding her entire life.  Hiding behind a fake name.  Hiding behind the digital barriers of sites like Myspace and Twitter.  Hiding behind the pages of magazines.  Hiding within the fake reality of reality TV.  Hiding within the buffered celebrity circles of Los Angeles.

So here's the deal, Tila: If you're going to take your shit out to Hardin County, Illinois , you better be prepared for some first-hand, middle-American feedback.  And if you can't handle that, don't go out to The Gathering of the Juggalos.  With all your success, you probably want people to think you're more intelligent than you let on.  If that's the case, you should have known what you were getting into.

However, if your plan is to continue to act like a spoiled little child your entire life, I'd recommend you continue to hide, because the rest of the world doesn't take kindly to that kind of shit.  Bitch.

Hm…  Maybe I could fit in with the Juggalos after all?

From TMZ:

Charlie Sheen claims the infamous Christmas Day incident with his wife Brooke Mueller (that resulted in his domestic violence arrest) all started after she learned that Charlie and one of his daughters shared "an affinity" for a song by the band Train.

According to the report, Sheen told the officer that "Mueller was jealous of this relationship with his daughter. He stated that Mueller said, 'you have a song with you share with your daughter, but not one with me?'"

This doesn't surprise me. 'Train' has sparked all kinds of violent episodes in my life. Like that one time I punched my trainer in the face for insisting I wear high heels while exercising.

[via TMZ]

Daddy Nobucks has written his daughter a love song. Neti pot your ear passages then click here to listen.

As soon as Lindsay gets out of jail she needs to find a giant boom box so she blare this as loudly as possible because it is magnificent.

The poetic ballad was written and produced by Michael Lohan but sung by a "friend". So that's what Nick Lache has been up to!

I'm sorry. What was that you asked? Will this be my father-daughter dance song at my wedding? You bet your sweet ass it will.

[via TMZ]

The Situation is releasing a rap song available on iTunes this week and TMZ has a preview clip for your listening pleasure(?).

The first time I saw him on the Jersey Shore I said, 'Yeah, he's got abs and an ego the size of a humpback whale but can he SING?!?' Luckily, the reality gods have blessed me with an answer to my query. And that answer is…maybe?

I can't actually tell which "voice" is his in this "song" but I can tell that it is really, really bad. If you don't feel like clicking on over to TMZ, I'll share some lyrics here.

We got a situation. Woah, woah, The Situation. Woah, woah, The Situation. Woah, woah, The Situation. Woah, woah, The Situation. Woah, woah, The Situation. Let's go! Woah, woah, The Situation. The motherf'ing situation.

Woah, woah… You get the idea.

[via TMZ]

…is obviously TMZ.

How do these guys know everything?!

If you are a celebrity, or work in the entertainment business, or know anyone who works in the entertainment business, or even live anywhere near Los Angeles, here's what you need to do:

Look to your left.  Now look to your right.  Everyone you see is a mole reporter for TMZ.

I realize we live in the world of Twitter and compromising Facebook privacy-setting changes, but sometimes, you have to understand that everyone in the world is against you.

When you witness a celebrity death, keep it quiet.  Hide the body in your closet.  Swallow the key.

If you work behind the scenes at a national television network, never leave your office.  Cover your computer screen with a hood and that you duck your head under to check emails (football ref style!)

Don't get yourself wet and definitely DON'T EAT AFTER MIDNIGHT, or you will turn into a crazy monster that can't stop sending TMZ anonymous emails from your old Yahoo account giving away trade secrets about how Kelly Ripa's handlers keep her from terrorizing Manhattan!

Beware.  They walk among us!