today show

Why don't you eat your ears then??? Yeah.

[via The High Def]

Evil children rule our country. They're designing our clothes, they're reviewing our movies, and now they're cooking our tacos.

Not to mention the little asshole that's too busy tanning his back to get any real work done.

In the end I'm sure it's the parents' fault. Pretentiousness is a genetic trait. I mean, these kids aren't naming themselves Reed, Alexander, Cecilia, and Jackson.

[via BWE]

I don't want to ruin this by giving you any backstory. But if you're one of those people who can't just enjoy a free drink without asking what's in it, then fine.

Go here.

[via The DW]

Package! Hahaha. Shrinkage! Hahaha. Size of the package! Hahaha.

Boogers, farts, and boobs. It's the news, people!

What's sad is that today's segment of Kathie Lee and Hoda was undoubtedly more immature than this.

[via Vulture]

To be fair, Meredith totally set her up for that one:

Which ones did you see? Oh, the one where she calls him a rapist? I'll just pause and wait for you to tell us what else it said.

Woah, you can't say that on air.

But if you put your mask back on you can say it in Kick Ass 2! YEAH!

Hit Girl fucking exists!

[via BWE]

It must be weird to be Jason Priestley. He was super famous in the nineties. And now, 20 years later, he's got middle-aged moms breaking into hives when they hug him.

I think it sucks that everybody still sees him as Brandon Walsh and not as a serious actor. I mean, come on, people! It's been 20 years! And during that time Jason has done some really great stuff.

Like A Very Merry Daughter of the Bride, that was a made-for-TV movie you probably didn't even bother to see. And Love Monkey, he was on 8 episodes of Love Monkey! I bet you've never even heard of it. And Expecting a Miracle, that's a Hallmark movie Jason was in. You probably didn't even know Hallmark made movies.

All I'm saying is maybe we should stop idolizing him for a role he did two decades ago and start respecting him for the talented 40-something actor he is today.

Look for him in the upcoming TV series Call Me Fitz that airs this year in Canada. It's about a morally bankrupt car salesman who has to go into business with his conscience. Yes, he goes into business with his conscience. It's not a typo. It's the plot for a perfect TV show.

[Reel via Best Week Ever]

The Internet is abuzz over this thing that?s happening on Sunday. It sounds like it?s really important to boys. So all the girls out there should take note. Some people will be playing a football game in some town some time on Sunday.

And like, oh my God, if you want to impress that special someone you can totally take tips from the kind and super-helpful Betsy Burns. She?s a girl and she watches sports. So we should all buy her book so we can sound informed.

Apparently ?blitz? is a ?fun word? you can throw out during the game. And a ?point spread is a good thing to know if you can actually understand it?.

I?d like to personally, like, thank Betsy for going on live television and single-handedly bringing her own gender down a notch. This video makes me want to bitch slap her. But, damn, I don?t want to mess up my pretty nails.

[via Gawker]

Asylum compiled a list of the 100 most-searched-for "hotties" on the web. I think we're running out of themes for hot women countdowns because this one is a new low.

First of all, there's a reason people don't just hop onto Google Trends to find hot women: Just because a woman is a "hot search topic" doesn't mean she's all that "hot." "Hot topics" can be influenced by all sorts of things. Take Asylum's #100 on this list: It's Ashley Judd. The highlight of her last 12 months was a disagreement with Sarah Palin over hunting laws. So though Ashley Judd may be a decent looking gal, she probably didn't eek out a spot at the bottom of the list from guys searching out her latest pics. A more likely scenario is that those searches came from other women after seeing her story on the Today Show.  By this logic, everytime Oprah opens her mouth we'd have our latest "hottie."

Secondly, search trends are a compilation of what the general public is searching for. The general public is generally screwed up. I do not want their opinion. If I'm going to check out a movie, I'll read the latest Joe Morgenstern review, because if I took advice from the general public last weekend, the box office would have me seeing Couples Retreat. No thanks.

My point? Leave the hot-women picking up to the editors at Sports Illustrated. And if you don't believe me, there's 98 more reasons not to trust public opinion over at Asylum.