tortoise

Last Thursday, we showed you "Chicken Riding Tortoise" and asked you to give us a better title.

We picked five of our favorites and now it's your chance to vote on a winner.

Vote below! Then check back this Thursday for the results and a new video.

This video is called "Chicken Riding Tortoise."  Something, slow cock, something.  This'll be easy.  Have fun with it.

Think you got a funnier name for this video? Let us know in the comments! Then check back on Tuesday at noon for the vote off!

The winner of this week's Rename This Video Vote was Karen Acuna Wilcox with her title, "He may scare crows, but he doesn't scare ho's."  It's funny because crows and hos rhyme.  Congratulations, Karen!

"I wish that tortoise would stop chasing me around!  I also wish I could walk.  But at this point I'd settle for the tortoise not chasing me around."

[via The Clearly Dope]

Many of you have come to me and said, "Mike, you post a ton of turtle videos on the blog, but the turtles are never kicking any ass.  What's up with that??  Where are all the videos of turtles kicking ass?!?"

Well, here you go.  A turtle totally kicking ass.

Now some of you might say, "Mike, I'm pretty sure that is a fucking tortoise, you animal loving freak."

To which I reply: Please refrain from cursing or I'll have no choice but to sic my attack turtle on you.

[via Cynical-C]

Last Friday, we showed you "Giant Tortoise Too Giant for Doggy Door" and asked you to give us a better title.

We picked five of our favorites and now it's your chance to vote on a winner.

Vote below! Then check back this Friday for the results and a new video.

Literal titles are the worst.  "Giant Tortoise Too Giant for Doggy Door" does a good job describing this video, but it avoids touching on the subtext.  What about the subtext!?

Think you got a funnier name for this video? Let us know in the comments! Then check back on Tuesday at noon for the vote off!

The winner of last week's Rename This Video vote was Davesucks who wrote, "In Ireland, that's called going to bed."  Ah, racism…  Works every time to win over Tosh.0 fans.  Congratulation, Davesucks!  Let's hope that Dave really does suck.

I know what you're all thinking.  You're thinking, Mike, where are the turtles? There haven't been enough turtles on the Tosh.0 blog recently.  Give us the goddamn turtles before we come over there and throw that hot coffee in your effin' face, beardy boy.

Okay, you guys need to chill out.  Here's a turtle.

And not just any turtle… a turtle with a BBQ on his back!  That's right: I continue to hunt down turtles with things on their backs.  This is the kind of content you can only get on the blog!!!  (Because the show's actual writers realize these videos suck.)

But a turtle stealing a barbecue does raise certain questions…  Like does that mean this turtle is about to cook us all a juicy, mouth-watering steak?!?

I don't know.  It's 11am in the morning!  Why do you all keep bothering me?

Say what you want about animals riding on top of other animals (or Roombas), I've pretty much backed myself into a corner whereby I have no choice but to show you these videos or else someone might accuse me of not being hip to the latest something-riding-something-else vid.

In other news, I've been fired.  Something about "too many stupid videos of animals riding on top of other animals."

I'll probably keep posting for awhile though.  My ride home is a tortoise; it may take him quite some time to get here.

[I won't be out of work long: That last tortoise joke was so bad, I've just been hired by the George Lopez show!]

This video just became your favorite animal on the Internet video of all time. I know, I know, it's a bold statement. You've seen hundreds of animals do crazy things on the Internet. Plus, I don't even know you.

But I'm confident you'll enjoy this more than any of those stupid dog and cat videos.

I mean, come on people! It's a turtle humping a Croc! And there's squeaking and scooting! And open-mouth turtle tongue sticking outing! It's amaaaaaaazing!

[via College Humor]

So I typically ignore all of your comments.  You're all jerks.  Hate-filled jerks.

But one comment really got to me.  It was on my post "What's So Great About a Beer Delivery Turtle?"  On that post, Noah commented, "Just admit it mike, you have some sort of fetish for turtles carrying stuff/being carried, right? If not, why the fuck are you waisting precious blog space with all these fucking turtles? C'mon, you can do better than that!"

I do not have a turtle fetish!

That said, turtles are never a waste of space.  And to prove it, here are three minutes of some moron trying to actually race a "tortoise" (aka, it's actually a turtle, genius) and a hare (aka, just call it a rabbit).

Is three minutes of the most boring video in the crappiest apartment with the most stained carpet a waste of space?  I think not.  Waste of space my ass!

[via BuzzFeed]