Captain Obvious has been hired by BBC news! Here's his first story:
Pshaw, Captain Obvious! I never thought that any tweets were 'babble.' In fact, Twitter's where I do my learnin'! It's almost as valuable as watching marathons of "16 and Pregnant" while I hit my noggin with a hammer!
Look up yonder. I took a sample from the public timeline and proved this guy done wrong. No one's babblin', Captain Obvious! In fact, I just got real smarter by reading tweets for 47 minutes! That's a whole hour to get real smarter! Ya' heard?
Go back to telling everyone my uncle drinks too much, Captain. You're no longer needed here in popular media.