Tosh.0 Blog

Facebook Bans Assisted Suicide

Posted by: Mike Pomranz | January 4, 2010 at 3:18PM

suicide-machine

First, the American government made suicide illegal, ruining the holiday plans of many of this country's millions of depressed citizens.

Now, Facebook is standing up to suicide, pulling the plug (ironic wording!) on the "Web 2.0 Sucide Machine."

This online assisted suicide machine "lets you delete all your energy sucking social-networking profiles, kill your fake virtual friends, and completely do away with your Web2.0 alterego."

Obviously, Facebook didn't like the sound of that one bit and banned the site.

Which is for the best.  Suicide is never the answer.  You should address a need for online fulfillment the same way you would in real life.

Religion, like the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, can help provide answers.  Or you could go to About.com to receive unvetted advice from an expert.  Or just talk it out with your friends.

…they are all available online!

If it all seems like a vicious circle, try not to think about it too much.  That just makes things worse.

[via NetworkWorld]

1 Millionth Word Fail

Posted by: Mike Pomranz | June 11, 2009 at 12:00PM

glmheader

The Global Language Monitor, or as I like to call it The Unaccredited Fraud, recently announced that "Web 2.0" is the 1,000,000th word in the English language.

Let's clear something up right away here.  I haven't done much, if any, research, but from what I can surmise "The Global Language Monitor" is some fat dude in boxer shorts lying on his couch next to a laptop while DVRed episodes of Ellen play in a loop in the background who constantly looks for reasons to send out press releases to inflate his own ego.

Don't believe me.  Look what Wikipedia has to say about The Global Language Monitor:  "This article is written like an advertisement. Please help rewrite this article from a neutral point of view. For blatant advertising that would require a fundamental rewrite to become encyclopedic, use {{db-spam}} to mark for speedy deletion."

Writing one's own Wikipedia article: A tell-tale sign of an egomaniac-driven sham.

Don't believe me yet?  Take this evidence.  According to an article on ChannelWeb, the Austin-based company "uses a mathematical formula to track the frequency of words and scans millions of Web sites, including those of 5,000 major print and electronic media outlets, to monitor word usage."  That sounds like some serious business, right?  Can you imagine the technology that must be involved to make such an analysis?

Then why the hell does The Global Language Monitor's website look like it was made by a middle-schooler?!  They can track every word used on every website on the Internet, but their tech team can't create a visually appealing navigation bar without awkward text wrapping.

Seriously, look at the image capture above.  Does that look like the header from a website of a technically advanced organization?!?!  (Click on the image to be taken to the crappiest website on the interwebs.)

If you believe "Web 2.0" is actually the 1 millionth word in the English language, I got some server space on the moon I'd like to sell you.