women

Dear Mr. Headline Writer Man,

You're the best.

Love,

Everybody

[via Eat Liver]

Remember to leave your suggestion for a Fan Favorite in the comments!

I must say, I love all of you.  I wish I could honor every single three of your requests each week.

But this past week, something amazing happened: Two people suggested the same video!

Was it one person scamming the system by posting under multiple names?  Yes, probably.

But think of it this way… Now you have two ways to scam the system: You can call me a "hottie tottie" or just leave like a hundred comments under different names all asking for the same video.

It's an imperfect system really…

Jon, I respect how you've repeatedly called me a whore over the course of multiple weeks.  You remind me of an old Mel Gibson.  For that, I have honored your request and am showing the Parallel Parking video.  Enjoy.

But I wanted to address the rest of you who submitted comments as well.  Hopefully this will encourage others to feel the pain of rejection by leaving comments in the future…

Mal suggested "anything with cats doing cute shit.  Or that kid who parallel parked his PowerWheel jeep like a mother fuckin' pro."  Unfortunately, we don't have the kid parking the jeep clip on the web.  And everyone at the show but me hates cats.

Dongzilla said, "Mike, you little bitch. Please, next week…make it the motorcycle granny incest video."  We've already shown that video, but thank you for calling me a "little bitch."

Jay was "upset [the cupcake choke victim] survived."  So were her parents.

Lindsey requested, "Please oh please hottie Pomranz play that video where the grandma gets humped by the dog."  Believe it or not, I couldn't find that Breakdown in our archive!  But keep calling me a hottie and I'll get something else up for you!

Desiree wrote, "Now the next shit you play should be…the dude who ripped his gooch.  Don't want your gooch to get ripped right?  Righttt?"  Is that a threat??  I'm not showing that one just to see if you'll come rip my gooch.  Let the hunt begin.

And lastly, Noah Smolian asked for "the clip of [Daniel] taking a huge bong rip and coughing like a little girl."  Smoking is illegal, sir.

Don't forget to leave your suggestion for a Fan Favorite video in the comments!

Flojuggler is "an application designed to track the menstrual cycles of multiple women."

Why would you want to do that?  Well, Flojuggler can think of many reasons which I've simplified into these bullet points:

• You're sleazy enough to track women's periods, yet having sex with a woman who is on her period disturbs you for some reason
• You coach a woman's soccer team
• You want to follow the menstrual cycles of your younger sisters

If those reasons aren't reason enough, consider this added bonus: Your new pick up line can be, "Wait?  You're on the rag?  Give me one second while I enter that info into the Flojuggler app on my iPhone so I can track your menstrual cycle."

Oh!  And don't forget the charming follow up questions "How long is your cycle?" and the always popular "How long do you bleed for?"

Not sure if Flojuggler is right for you?  Go watch the "demo video" and you'll immediately realize the only thing worse than the kind of guy who would actually use this app is the kind of guy who created it.

All girls are crazy, right? That's why when a girl needs dating advice, she should always take it from other girls. How else will we keep the neuroses alive?

This video is chock-full of flirting techniques and spectacular one-liners from some really fancy ladies. Including, but not limited to, the single greatest response to "Anything else?" I have ever heard.

Will someone please ask me that question pronto so I can gaze into your eyes and reply, "How about the rest of your life?"

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am! I'll be taking that engagement ring now.

[via EIT]

Wowza!

There's a time and a place for insulting women. The time is Wednesday nights and the place is Comedy Central. Who does this guy think he is? Just knocking us down a peg on a random Friday morning? On NBC?!?

I don't think so. Get ahold of yourself, old man. You don't work at Tosh.0.

See, this is why that guy is divorced.

[via TBT]

WARNING! Do not watch the video below unless you want to gouge your eyes out and scoop the remnants of your brain matter into a blender.

As the only male blogger on this site, it's my unfortunate duty to have to post the Sex in the City Movie 2 trailer and emphasize how awful it is before one of the two female bloggers get their hands on it and start piling praise on this pile of shit.

We have a strict no re-posting policy, so once it's been used, it can't be reused.  I'm doing you all a favor.

Now, knowing both Joselyn and Carly reasonably well, I have no reason to think they are fans of Team Horseface, but when it comes to women and this terrible show, you can never be too sure.  Otherwise respectable female specimens have flip-flopped at the mere hint of one of Cassandra's sexual innuendos and gone to the dark side of female-actresses-acting-like-gay-men hell.

Sex in the City is the worst example of "If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?"  It's like the Limp Bizkit of TV shows, except that women are too stubborn to admit they've made a mistake, so the fan base has never abandoned ship.  Seriously, we've been subjected to this garbage for over a decade now.  When will it end?

So hopefully you heeded my warning to not watch the video and now we can go on with our lives knowing that at least the Tosh.0 blog will always be a safe haven from anyone ever praising Sarah Jessica Parker.

[via The High Definite]

Understanding women ain't easy.

Luckily, kids today have online forums like Redditto ask all of their important dating questions and learn the lessons the neighborhood asshole should have taught them when they were 13, back before the youth of America lived a sheltered existence of communicating solely via Xbox Live.

I feel sorry for this guy.  I really do.  But at least based on his propensity for solving problems via the web, he's a shoe in to find a girl through online dating.

Thus leading to his future "Ask Reddit" question: How come girls seem to be thin and attractive, until I get to meet them in person?

Mr. Chi City of "Keeping your refrigerator stocked will get you many women" fame has posted a new video titled "YouTube is Dying," which eloquently "exposes" the website for all of it's trickery in only 13 short minutes.

Thank God he's here to tell us how it all works. Between all of his dating and conspiracy knowledge, all of my questions have been answered. Unfortunately, I have some bad news for Chi City: unless he is talking about beverages that will get you chicks, people are going to find him hard to take. But "A" for effort, Mayne. Really.

If you want to "refresh" your memory with his big hit video that got him all his Internet fame, check out "Keeping your refrigerator stocked will get you many women" below.

Is this video real or fake? It's not rocket science. We all know it's not real — women don't poo.

So what do you think? Did she really do a number two? Let us know in the comments.