jack-o'-lantern

Okay, let's move on to Christmas.

[via IHC]

I realize you guys don't have a ton of free time with all your TV watching and blog reading.  So I don't blame you for stealing Halloween ideas from us.

But truth be told, I'm impressed.  Some of the stuff you sent us that was inspired by the blog is even better than what we originally posted.

For instance, on October 20th, we showed you The Human Centipede-o'-Lantern seen on the left above.  Compare that to the similar jack-o'-lantern on the right that someone sent us.  Pretty good, right?  Got staples and everything.  Very expressive faces.  Good work.

And on October 10th, we showed you a Human Centipede costume.  Then someone submitted this…

So much sexier than what we posted.  Great stuff.

Maybe work on getting some more definition in those thighs.  Otherwise, I'm sure he was the hit of his parents' Halloween party.

We here (and by "we," I mean me and maybe Carly) believe strongly in tradition.  So, for the third year in a row, we present you with our traditional Halloween weekend WTFriday… the "Pumpkin Dance."

I'm going to be spending my weekend (once again) wondering why this is (still) a real thing.

Think you can explain it? Tell us in the comments.

Want to extend your weekend? Check out previous WTFridays!

Come on!  You already used a knife.  Just get it out with a Caesarean section!

[via STFU, Parents]

"Mom, I can't do the jack-o'-lantern this year.  We're out of scotch tape."

"Just use the goddamn glue!"

[via Reddit]

"I'm just doing it until I earn enough money to move outta the pumpkin patch and pursue my dream of being in Halloween ads."

[via I Am Bored]

"First we sew their pumpkin pie holes to their assho-lanterns!!"

[via Reddit]

"Let's skip that house.  I still haven't finished all the shrimp-flavored candy they gave me last year."

[via Izismile]

What's the most annoying thing about Jack-O'-Lanterns?

Dealing with the candle.

It's like a terrible game of Operation trying to set that thing inside without getting gross orange pumpkin goo all over your hand.  And trying to light it?  What a pain!  Every November 1st, I find my fingers covered with burns from trying to get a good angle on the wick with those painfully tiny matches… or even worse, a lighter.  What am I supposed to do?  Go out and spend a small fortune on those extra-long, extra-expensive fireplace matches for the rich??  I'm not Bill Gates.

That's why this jack-o'-lantern is amazing.  Look at all that candle access!  No more going through the top hole!  Just set that sucker right inside and reach in to light from the front.

Genius!

I know how I'm carving next year's Halloween pumpkin.

[via Reddit]

Hi, Mike Pomranz here.

Forget everything you've ever learned about how to use a firearm responsibly, okay?

[I shoot a face into a pumpkin.]

I think that'll do.

[I move the jack-o'-lantern to my porch.]

Alright, we got this old boy on the porch where it belongs.  As opposed to my home shooting range where it definitely didn't belong.

Mike Pomranz doesn't give away candy on Halloween.  Hopefully, this guy'll help me scare away all the annoying little kids.  Those kids are probably also scared because they just heard about 38 gunshots coming from my backyard this afternoon for no apparent reason.  Plus all the parents in the county know I'm a creepy old man who carries around a loaded glock.

Whaaa-haa-haa-ha-ha-ha!

[via The Daily What]