technology

I only buy technology from guys in turtlenecks and dad jeans.

[via Imgur]

I hear the pink one even comes with a pair of oven mitts and a dish scrubber!

My niece is gonna be so excited.

[via I Heart Chaos]

Do you guys ever have that nightmare where your wife has a head and mouth and she's using it to tell you about her day?

[via Happy Place]

Even computers don't listen to old people…

"Oh, you wanted to take a picture?  Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.  I was busy trying to figure out how to shut myself down just in case you actually did convince your 80-year-old wife to show me her wrinkly tits."

[via Break]

The description for this video says "monkey unlocks and sends text message on an iPhone". But it looks more like the monkey is "just slapping his dirty little monkey hands all over an iPhone".

Doesn't he know iPhones fingerprint easily?? Probably not! Because he's a monkey and he doesn't even know how to unlock it!

More like Rise of the Planet of the Humans. (Still starring James Franco, obviously.)

[via BWE]

"Damn Angry Birds Level 3-6 to hell!!!!!!!!" – The Pope

[via BuzzFeed]

It gets worse.  Later, she sold her pony to a dog food company so she could buy her own iPad.

[via The Clearly Dope]

Innovations in toilet paper technology? Hells yeah!!!

It's okay to poop your pants in excitement. Because wiping your ass is now easier than ever!

[via IHC]

In the future, will you be able to "print" a hamburger from a link you found on McDonalds.com?

If lazy scientists have their way, the answer will be "yes."

That's what a group at Cornell University are working on.  You load up some "edible food 'inks'" and print out tasty treats such as "chocolates, cookies, and even domes of turkey meat" — at least that's what they've accomplished so far.

I greatly look forward to a future where my "milk" cartridge runs out so I have to print my coffee black, or where my computer loses communication with my printer so I starve.

And I find it hard to believe this would be cheaper than just ordering in delivery.  Have you seen ink prices recently?  If a cartridge of plain black ink runs as much as $20, I'd probably be paying more than the price of a meal just to get a new cartridge of gravy!

Then you'd have to worry about viruses.  I visit the wrong porn site and suddenly my meatloaf tastes funny!

And with that joke, I retire.  Meatloaf.

[via Eater]

The time to be afraid is now.

Today, Facebook unveiled their new ?modern messaging system."  Though they don't want to say it outright, the big news here is that Facebook wants to take on email.

But they refuse to use the word "email" because "It's too formal," says Mark Zuckerberg.  And when he says, "It's too formal," what he really means is, "Your average Facebook user is a shortsighted douchebag."  But I digress.

TechCrunch gets down to the heart of the matter:

"Yes, everyone can get an @facebook.com email address if they want…. And yes, IMAP support is coming soon too."

So essentially, Facebook is going after current email king Gmail, who convinced us that we should switch our Yahoo email address to Gmail because Gmail was better than Yahoo who had briefly confused us into thinking that they were better than Hotmail who got our business after we realized that paying for AOL was a waste of money.

Which all begs the question, How often are we supposed to change email addresses?  And how many times?  And then you have work email address that constantly change because you constantly get fired for taking naps under your desk.

And then you know some other service is right around the corner.  In 2011, Facebook will be begging me to use pomranz@facebook.com.  And then by 2012 someone will be pushing for pomranz@twitter.com.

And then luckily in 2012 the world ends and we can all be free.

Would you change to make Facebook your primary email account?  Yes??  Get out.

[via TechCrunch]